The ​​Zombieland Rules To Surviving A Football Game
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The ​​Zombieland Rules To Surviving A Football Game

A "How-To" guide to using the Zombieland Rules to survive any football game.

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FirstEnergy Stadium-Cleveland, Ohio

It's tough being faced with a new experience and not knowing what to expect. Recently, I went to a huge football game for the first time and I was not prepared. Fortunately for me, I saw the movie Zombieland and remembered some of Columbus's rules.

Rule 1: Cardio

Columbus refers to this rule to be able to run from zombies. I used this rule to be able to walk up the SEVERAL flights of stairs at the stadium. Not only did I have to walk up 5 stories to get to our seating section, but I then had to walk up 32 rows to get to my actual seat. It was so high I could see over the stadium walls to the body of water on the other side. By the time we got to our seats, I had to sit down, catch my breath, and think about how I wouldn't survive a zombie chasing me at this rate.

Rule 3: Beware of Bathrooms

Another rule Columbus has is to beware of bathrooms since you are vulnerable and in a very closed area. For me, I suggest being aware of public bathrooms since they are most likely very unsanitary and are probably the cause of zombie viruses. Of course, I used the bathroom before we left to go to the game, but after you drink several beers, you will inevitably need to go. Luckily, there wasn't a long line. However, ever stall I looked at, there was piss all over the seat. I suspect it's because people "hover" over the seat since no one wants to put their naked butt on a public toilet seat and don't want to take the time lining it with toilet paper. My advice: take as little potty breaks as possible and bring sanitizer so that you don't get a zombie virus.

Rule 7: Travel Light

In a zombie apocalypse you don't many things since you're always on the move (and too many items will slow you down). Same goes for a football game; you only need the essentials: phone, wallet, and jacket (depending on the weather). Afterall, like Columbus, you need to be able to get up go – get another beer!

Rule 13: Shake It Off

Bad things happen to everyone; although, it's worse when you're in a zombie apocalypse like Columbus. Regardless, when something crappy happens like your team doesn't get the touch down or someone spills their beer on your jersey or you just ran out of Twinkies, you must tell yourself, "This could be worse" and just shake it off.

Rule 26: A Little Sunscreen Never Hurt Anyone

I know, I know, you've been told all your life to put on sunscreen before going outside but hear me out. Sunscreen is important and should be used whether you're in Florida running on the beach away from a group of surfer zombies or sitting at the top of a football stadium (which is as close to the sun as some of us will get). Although it was chilly, I got some red across my face and it wasn't from the alcohol.

We all have first time experiences that can make us feel awkward or nervous, especially when we aren't prepared for them. Just remember to follow the rules given to us by Columbus. Afterall, if he can survive a zombie apocalypse then we can survive anything we might be unprepared for.

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This article has not been reviewed by Odyssey HQ and solely reflects the ideas and opinions of the creator.
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