In seventh grade, I suffered from extremely bad heat damage and my only option was to cut all of my hair off. I probably had an inch of hair and cried myself to sleep because I was an insecure 12-year-old who thought she was bald. I was extremely unhappy until my mom came up with a grand solution, "You can wear hair extensions and sew-ins until your hair grows back healthier." From that moment on, my journey with my hair and its hold on my self-confidence has never been the same.
When I was younger, I did not understand that true beauty comes from within. All I understood was that the girls around me had long hair and in order to fit in, I needed long hair, too. Shortly after I started wearing my hair extensions, I gained an ounce of self-confidence and felt like I could rule the world. When it was time to get my hair restyled and I had to take my sew-in and extensions out, I would curl into a ball and hide from the world until my hair was "long" again. My false confidence would disappear and I no longer felt beautiful in my natural state.
I went through this vicious cycle for about five years. I was not comfortable with myself unless I was wearing someone else's hair. I came to that realization when my hair stylist mentioned to me that my actual hair was longer than my extensions and I still opted to wear them instead of my own.
"My real hair is too much to manage."
"It is easier to wear extensions since I'm so active."
"I'm just letting my hair grow out more."
"I do not want to damage my hair again."
These are among the many excuses I told everyone and myself. And although those may be valid reasons to some, I was wearing it because I was afraid of feeling like my 12-year-old self again. So, I decided to give it a break.
After five years of wearing extensions, I took myself to the hair salon and got my real hair permed, trimmed and styled. Did I instantly feel better? No, but I had to keep reminding myself that hair will come and go. It does not have any hold over the way you live your life. Every day presents different battles but if you are not comfortable with being you, then those set of challenges will be harder to face.
I miss my extensions and I know I will get them back in the future. However, I vowed that I must first learn to not rely on external enhancers because they do not reflect my internal beauty. Your self-worth should not be determined by the characteristics of your hair but my the characteristics of your heart.
