What's The 'Diehl' With Atrocious Cheesecake?
Start writing a post
Lifestyle

What's The 'Diehl' With Atrocious Cheesecake?

Why is cheesecake so horrendously awful?

6
What's The 'Diehl' With Atrocious Cheesecake?
Bailey Diehl

Cheesecake is an overrated, appalling, repugnant, abhorrent, rancid, bland, lewd, crude, abysmal abomination. I simply do not understand the appeal garnered by seemingly everyone who has walked the Earth. Just think about your favorite cheesecake flavor. Get a good, clear mental image in your head. Now, does the image look like a soggy cardboard plate of steaming vomit or a pile of fecal matter? Well, that is the exact image I see when I picture "delicious" cheesecake.

I swear, other people seem to love cheesecake so much that it would not surprise me if, by unanimous decision, the bible was suddenly rewritten so that Jesus at the last supper cut slices of cheesecake instead of breaking bread and said, "Take this all of you and eat from it." This way, you would go to communion to receive a "heavenly" slice of cheesecake instead of the little cracker. Pair that with the wine and you would have a full blown celebration every Sunday. I think I just accidentally discovered the secret to getting more people into church pews on Sundays. If this happens, then you should not expect me in the building. I will be sitting at home gleefully eating my sinful, and rich, Devil's Food chocolate cake.

"But Bailey, why do you not like cheesecake? Also, what time shall the angry mob arrive at your house to beat you, drag you into the streets, and stone you to death with stale cheesecake chunks?"

Well, to put it simply, 4 p.m. is when my schedule clears up for the day. Now, with regards to the first question, I just have never liked cheesecake. I have tried all kinds of flavors and not even the richest of the chocolates can save the baked good. The texture is almost creamy but not in a favorable way like ice cream. Something about its soft but non-floury cake texture just bothers me and my psyche when I happen to be attempting to consume a tiny bit of cheesecake. My body has an automatic reaction of disdain anytime it senses that cheesecake has found its way into my mouth. It is almost as if my body tells my brain, "Hey dummy, this overly sugary treat is too much for either of us to handle. Do not go through with this, please! For the love of God, spit this fiendish dessert out!" I either swallow my pride and the cheesecake or I do spit it out as there truly is no in between.

Look, I understand that people love cheesecake and I respect that. Simply put, I do not. To add insult to injury, I have put The Cheesecake Factory on the lowest slot of my list for eateries that Springfield needs to add. It is that disgusting to me. I am sorry if my opinion offends you, but that is the beauty of having personal opinions. They are mine and not yours, just like this luscious Devil's Food chocolate cake which I refuse to share with the tainted tongue of a cheesecake lover such as yourself. Heathen!

Report this Content
This article has not been reviewed by Odyssey HQ and solely reflects the ideas and opinions of the creator.
the beatles
Wikipedia Commons

For as long as I can remember, I have been listening to The Beatles. Every year, my mom would appropriately blast “Birthday” on anyone’s birthday. I knew all of the words to “Back In The U.S.S.R” by the time I was 5 (Even though I had no idea what or where the U.S.S.R was). I grew up with John, Paul, George, and Ringo instead Justin, JC, Joey, Chris and Lance (I had to google N*SYNC to remember their names). The highlight of my short life was Paul McCartney in concert twice. I’m not someone to “fangirl” but those days I fangirled hard. The music of The Beatles has gotten me through everything. Their songs have brought me more joy, peace, and comfort. I can listen to them in any situation and find what I need. Here are the best lyrics from The Beatles for every and any occasion.

Keep Reading...Show less
Being Invisible The Best Super Power

The best superpower ever? Being invisible of course. Imagine just being able to go from seen to unseen on a dime. Who wouldn't want to have the opportunity to be invisible? Superman and Batman have nothing on being invisible with their superhero abilities. Here are some things that you could do while being invisible, because being invisible can benefit your social life too.

Keep Reading...Show less
Featured

19 Lessons I'll Never Forget from Growing Up In a Small Town

There have been many lessons learned.

74615
houses under green sky
Photo by Alev Takil on Unsplash

Small towns certainly have their pros and cons. Many people who grow up in small towns find themselves counting the days until they get to escape their roots and plant new ones in bigger, "better" places. And that's fine. I'd be lying if I said I hadn't thought those same thoughts before too. We all have, but they say it's important to remember where you came from. When I think about where I come from, I can't help having an overwhelming feeling of gratitude for my roots. Being from a small town has taught me so many important lessons that I will carry with me for the rest of my life.

Keep Reading...Show less
​a woman sitting at a table having a coffee
nappy.co

I can't say "thank you" enough to express how grateful I am for you coming into my life. You have made such a huge impact on my life. I would not be the person I am today without you and I know that you will keep inspiring me to become an even better version of myself.

Keep Reading...Show less
Student Life

Waitlisted for a College Class? Here's What to Do!

Dealing with the inevitable realities of college life.

136157
college students waiting in a long line in the hallway
StableDiffusion

Course registration at college can be a big hassle and is almost never talked about. Classes you want to take fill up before you get a chance to register. You might change your mind about a class you want to take and must struggle to find another class to fit in the same time period. You also have to make sure no classes clash by time. Like I said, it's a big hassle.

This semester, I was waitlisted for two classes. Most people in this situation, especially first years, freak out because they don't know what to do. Here is what you should do when this happens.

Keep Reading...Show less

Subscribe to Our Newsletter

Facebook Comments