Cheesecake is an overrated, appalling, repugnant, abhorrent, rancid, bland, lewd, crude, abysmal abomination. I simply do not understand the appeal garnered by seemingly everyone who has walked the Earth. Just think about your favorite cheesecake flavor. Get a good, clear mental image in your head. Now, does the image look like a soggy cardboard plate of steaming vomit or a pile of fecal matter? Well, that is the exact image I see when I picture "delicious" cheesecake.
I swear, other people seem to love cheesecake so much that it would not surprise me if, by unanimous decision, the bible was suddenly rewritten so that Jesus at the last supper cut slices of cheesecake instead of breaking bread and said, "Take this all of you and eat from it." This way, you would go to communion to receive a "heavenly" slice of cheesecake instead of the little cracker. Pair that with the wine and you would have a full blown celebration every Sunday. I think I just accidentally discovered the secret to getting more people into church pews on Sundays. If this happens, then you should not expect me in the building. I will be sitting at home gleefully eating my sinful, and rich, Devil's Food chocolate cake.
"But Bailey, why do you not like cheesecake? Also, what time shall the angry mob arrive at your house to beat you, drag you into the streets, and stone you to death with stale cheesecake chunks?"
Well, to put it simply, 4 p.m. is when my schedule clears up for the day. Now, with regards to the first question, I just have never liked cheesecake. I have tried all kinds of flavors and not even the richest of the chocolates can save the baked good. The texture is almost creamy but not in a favorable way like ice cream. Something about its soft but non-floury cake texture just bothers me and my psyche when I happen to be attempting to consume a tiny bit of cheesecake. My body has an automatic reaction of disdain anytime it senses that cheesecake has found its way into my mouth. It is almost as if my body tells my brain, "Hey dummy, this overly sugary treat is too much for either of us to handle. Do not go through with this, please! For the love of God, spit this fiendish dessert out!" I either swallow my pride and the cheesecake or I do spit it out as there truly is no in between.
Look, I understand that people love cheesecake and I respect that. Simply put, I do not. To add insult to injury, I have put The Cheesecake Factory on the lowest slot of my list for eateries that Springfield needs to add. It is that disgusting to me. I am sorry if my opinion offends you, but that is the beauty of having personal opinions. They are mine and not yours, just like this luscious Devil's Food chocolate cake which I refuse to share with the tainted tongue of a cheesecake lover such as yourself. Heathen!
