After a brief stint as a barista, I’ve come to recognize these key identifiers in coffee orders, and their… orderers. They say your coffee order says a lot about you, here’s what they mean.

Frappuccino/Big Train

This drink either says, “I hate coffee but my friend dragged me here” or “I’m ten”. A Frappuccino is literally just a cup of ice blended with syrup. The only difference between a vanilla bean Frappuccino from Starbucks, and a milkshake from McDonald’s is that one of them costs $6.

Black Coffee

You must be a business man or a mother. This is the main demographic of plain black coffee. It’s probably because it’s the cheapest, and it’s fastest to get through the drive-thru. Get to that meeting, businessman, here’s your hot bean water to-go.

Soy Latte

For some reason so many people get soy in their drinks, not for the dairy restriction, but because they think it’s healthy. Like it’s the diet version of a sugary coffee drink… who wants to tell them?

Shot in the Dark

Do you hate yourself? (No hate here, this is my order, just iced).

Iced Cappuccino

……… I love this one. I don’t want to pin it to anyone, but I’ve only heard tweenage girls try to order this. What would iced, steamed milk be?

A cup of coffee with two tablespoons of butter, blended

This is real. Who are you? You’re an anomaly to me and I don’t understand. Carry on with you life. Your weird, weird life.