Do pink roses, heart-shaped boxes of candy and incredibly cheesy Instagram captions make you want to get stabbed in the eye by Cupid’s arrow? If so, it’s likely that you are that friend who is perpetually single. After 21 years of experience, I consider myself an expert in this area. Prepare yourself for an incredibly sarcastic and cynical analysis of Valentine’s Day.
It’s just another dinner date, but this time it’s on a random weekday, and that’s just awkward. “Oh, you look so pretty! Is it a special occasion?”
“YES, it’s TUESDAY!!!”
Fill an entire restaurant with this strangeness and it becomes so awkward that you’re back at a middle school dance. People are always drawn to expensive restaurants, too. Obviously the value of your love can only be shown by spending $30 on gourmet macaroni and cheese, made with handmade pasta by your great grandma, a five-cheese blend from the best cows in Italy, and lobster meat straight from Ariel’s [former] best friend. Maybe that’s my problem: I’ve been all about Kraft all this time.
The things people buy for their significant others on Valentine’s Day are ridiculous. A giant teddy bear? Just answer this for me: WHERE DO PEOPLE PUT THOSE THINGS. If you’re in college, you do NOT have that much free space. If you’re out of college, you are an adult, and your preferred gift should not be a glorified build-a-bear. A Sephora gift card secretly says “You look hideous in the morning, you should probably fix that," and chocolates say “I have zero originality.”
The things people make are even worse. DIY scrapbook of your 3 weeks together? He’ll love it so much that he’ll keep it in a special place: in the back of his closet next to a year-old dirty sock. Personally photoshopped images of what your future kids will look like? Totally inspirational and definitely won’t have him catching a one-way flight to a vague village in South America.
A dozen roses aren’t cute either. The never-ending thorn pricks to the finger will have your girl feeling less like a princess and more like a diabetic. If you want to give out roses that badly, call Chris Harrison and try out to be the next Bachelor. Also, who wants their room smelling like a funeral home?
The Social Media Posts:
The only way to prove to the world that you care about him/her is to spend twelve minutes picking the perfect filter. Yes, you love your #mcm and you’re so lucky to have such a fantastic guy like him, blah, blah, blah. WE KNOW. You don’t know what you’d do without him? Probably get along just fine, like the rest of us single people.