Here's What I Need To Say About My PTSD

Here's What I Need To Say About My PTSD

Two years later and I need you to know a few things.


I'm always looking for a distraction. Every single day, I look for a reason to not think about the thing, but I always end up thinking about the thing. If you suffer from PTSD, then you know exactly what I'm talking about.

And as my trauma anniversary approaches, this feeling intensifies even more and suddenly it encompasses my every move. Two years since the incident and I still find myself warped by the memory.

What most people don't understand is how this affects me in daily operations. As my trauma anniversary approaches, I have become tenser. I'm writing this in the height of my yearly freak out.

I want the people who caused this to know a few things:

Firstly, you aren't bad people. You are good people with good intentions, but you can make mistakes, too. The way you impacted me will be something that I can never forget, no matter how hard I try. On the other hand, I think you can forget it. That's the real travesty. That while I spend every day surrounded by thoughts of what happened, you can spend every day doing literally anything else. Despite this though, these past two years have taught me that you are not inherently bad just because you wronged me.

And that being said, just because you are good people does not mean I have to trust you again. That's been one of the hardest things for me to comprehend. You caused me such trauma and such pain and for the longest time, so many people in my life tried to convince me that all this rage I had against you was negated by the good work you did.

I can recognize that while you may be good at heart, you hurt me in such a way that I don't owe you any sort of forgiveness.

Secondly, when you hurt me, you took some of my youth. I believe that maybe I made some mistakes, too. The difference here was that when I messed up, I was a child… you were an adult who stole some of my childhood away from me. I went from learning and being carefree to being bogged down with overthinking and finding ways to afford therapy.

You changed how I saw the world and forced me to become cynical and jaded before my time. Looking back, that part of it didn't hurt me at the moment, but it really hurts me now. I was consumed so badly by this mental disorder called PTSD that I lost so much of my innocence. As an adult now, I can recognize that I'll never be able to get that back. That's all thanks to you. I grew up faster than I ever wanted.

Thirdly, I wonder if you ever think about that day? I wonder if you think about how I asked for medical attention, but received none. I wonder if you ask yourself if things could have gone better. I wonder if when you're in the shower for too long, your mind starts to race as you replay the events. I wonder if you wish you could take it back. And if you don't feel regret, what do you feel about that day?

Fourthly, I listen to a certain song a lot now. It's on repeat some days when things are particularly hard. "Two Years" by Have Mercy is constantly on my mind. Maybe it's just because I'm two years in and have found my entire life warped around that one moment. Or maybe its because my Ed Sheeran playlist that I played on a loop after you ruined me can only help me cope so much.

And fifthly, next time I see you I hope that I can have the courage to finally stand up to you, but I'll probably just put on the same show that I always do. You'll ask me how college is. I'll tell you it's been great. I won't mention how every time I meet someone new I wonder if things will end up the same. I don't talk about how hard it is to be a part of the social scene when it all comes back to me thinking about how alone I was. I'll tell you that I'm adjusting alright and that I'm thinking of joining a new club. I won't let you know that somehow you're still always on my mind.

I bet you wish this message would end happily with an "I forgive you". The truth, however, is that I just don't.

You'll get your forgiveness when you deserve it. You'll get your forgiveness when I stop waking up from night terrors, gasping for air because for the fifth time that week I've relived that entire day start to finish. You'll get your forgiveness when my Facebook memories feature doesn't scare me to check because I don't know what's bound to pop up and trigger a PTSD attack. You'll get your forgiveness if you ever even bother to ask… or apologize… or believe me. You'll get your forgiveness when you stop telling me I'm overreacting. You'll get your forgiveness… but then again, you probably won't.

You won't and that's okay because I'm the one hurting right now and I deserve to be allowed to be in control of my own hurt since you've controlled that for long enough.

Cover Image Credit:

Chris Klogg

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"What would I do without you guys???"

1. "Can I wear your shirt out tonight?"

2. "Does my hair look greasy?"

3. "We should probably clean tomorrow..."

4. "What should I caption this??"

5. "Is it bad if I text ____ first??"

6. "Should we order pizza?"

7. *Roommate tells an entire story* "Wait, what?"

8. "How is it already 3 AM?"

9. "I need a drink."

10. "McDonalds? McDonalds."


12. "Okay like, for real, I need to study."

13. "Why is there so much hair on our floor?"

14. "I think I'm broke."

15. "What do I respond to this?"

16. "Let's have a movie night."

17. "Why are we so weird?"

18. "Do you think people will notice if I wear this 2 days in a row?"

19. "That guy is so stupid."

20. "Do I look fat in this?"

21. "Can I borrow your phone charger?

22. "Wanna go to the lib tonight?"

23. "OK, we really need to go to the gym soon."

24. "I kinda want some taco bell."

25. "Let's go out tonight."

26. "I wonder what other people on this floor think of us."

27. "Let's go to the mall."

28. "Can I use your straightener?"

29. "I need coffee."

30. "I'm bored, come back to the room."

31. "Should we go home this weekend?"

32. "We should probably do laundry soon."

33. "Can you see through these pants?"

34. "Sometimes I feel like our room is a frat house..."

35. "Guys I swear I don't like him anymore."

36."Can I borrow a pencil?"

37. "I need to get my life together...."

38. "So who's buying the Uber tonight?"

39. "Let's walk to class together."

40. "Are we really pulling an all-nighter tonight?"

41. "Who's taking out the trash?"

42. "What happened last night?"

43. "Can you help me do my hair?"

44. "What should I wear tonight?"

45. "You're not allowed to talk to him tonight."

46. "OMG, my phone is at 1 percent."

47. "Should we skip class?"

48. "What should we be for Halloween?"

49. "I love our room."

50. "What would I do without you guys???"

Cover Image Credit: Hannah Gabaldon

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We're All Just Growing Up

We're all going on our separate paths, but we're growing nonetheless.


Honestly, its still weird to see everyone I grew up with and went to school with, just going forward in their lives. No, I'm not hating and wanting them to stay stuck. It's nothing like that. It's more amazement than anything else.

When you're a kid, you're always talking about what you want to be when you're an adult. You talk about the life you want to live and the things you want to do and accomplish. So when you're getting closer to the age of adulthood, you get cold feet. At least I do. Just a tiny bit.

It's more so because of where I'm at in my journey and the current path that I'm on. My friends and I may be there beside each other along the way, but that doesn't mean our paths have the same obstacles and ending.

For me, I'm still in college. I'm in the process of doing research and searching for grad schools. I'm looking for schools that have the program I desire and to see if some schools have Ph.D. programs that I can go straight into and earn my Master's along the way.

I have people I graduated with who are in college still, but I don't know their goals post-graduation. I have friends who are working towards their career all while starting their own families (I'm so proud of y'all). I enjoy seeing how everyone has started to come into their own. We are trying to do the best we can with the tools we were given plus what we have to learn on our own.

Also, sometimes I feel left behind when I see that some of my friends are getting married and starting their lives. I just feel as if I'm not where I'm supposed to be and it honestly makes me question myself along with my goals. Like, am I not doing enough? Am I'm just moving to slow or am I on my right path, going the correct speed?

Then I realize that I can't compare my journey with everyone else's. I have my own path that I need to focus on so that I can get to wherever I'm going. I can't live my life if I'm constantly worried about whether or not I need to do the same thing as my other friends. I'll get there in my own terms and time.

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