A Twisted Love
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A Twisted Love

When I love you, I forget to love myself.

A Twisted Love
The Odyssey Online - Nikkie Bellford

I forget what it's like to have a love that isn't so twisted. Is this even love at all? I don't know. I can't remember.

I forget the last time I didn't cry myself to sleep, or the last time a conversation didn't turn into us screaming at each other. I forget what it felt like the last time you said you cared, and actually meant it. I forget the last time you were truly happy with me, the last time you really loved me. When did it become so easy for you to look me in the eyes and lie?

It's different for me. I know that when I see you, you're the only thing that matters. You're my one. You light up my days. You make me laugh and feel beautiful. I love you, I really do, but I shouldn't. Because when I love you, I forget to love myself.

I get so spun up in how happy you make me, except I'm not really happy at all--I'm stuck. We've been doing this for so long that this is all I know. I forget that I can create happiness on my own. I can walk on my own two feet. I can be okay.

But I forget.

I forget that I'm strong enough to walk away, so I stay. Because I like it here with you, safe and warm. Only it isn't safe and warm anymore, it's lonely and cold. I'm holding on to a memory, like a corpse gone cold, trying desperately to bring it back, to bring us back.

I try, even though I know things will never be how they were. We will fight. We won't stop until we break each other. We will tear this twisted love apart. I will feel used and unwanted. You will feel tired and ready to leave. And as hurt as I am, I'll beg you to stay.

Because sometimes it's good, like the sweet sound of your voice when you tell me you love me. I know it's a lie and still somehow I believe you. Or when you pull me in close and land a gentle kiss on my forehead. Being with you is calm like a summer breeze. It feels like coming home. You're the only one who can make me smile the way you do. And there's nothing I love more than when you hold me tight, like you love me too, like I matter, like you'll always be right here with me.

But I forget that it doesn't stay like that. The clouds will come back and it will rain and I will cry. We will scream and fight until there is nothing left but empty space. I will crumble into myself and wonder what I did wrong and why I wasn't enough. I will fight like hell to piece things back together, but it won't matter. Because you will walk away and leave me to pick up my destruction, you always do. It's the only thing you know.

But I forget.

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This article has not been reviewed by Odyssey HQ and solely reflects the ideas and opinions of the creator.

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