A major form of my anxiety is being a control freak. The source of the anxiety comes from me always wondering what will happen next to prevent the uncertainty from getting to me. I always have a back up plan and think about what course of action I will take when shit needs to get done.
Despite how careful I am, my foresight does not help me learn to become flexible and adaptable with my life.
Presently, I live in a world that is a touch screen away from finding all the answers to my minimalist problems. The quest for instant gratification is like a daily shot of caffeine I crave.
As an adult, it is expected of me to compose myself and know where my place is in society so I am able to conduct my responsibilities in an orderly manner. At least, this is what I had thought originally...
See, life is hard. It's a real pain in the ass, and things never go according to plan. When things do go awry, I throw a temper tantrum. Not in the sense where I am throwing things against the wall and screaming like a child would. It is more like crying, shaking, walking outside in an aimless manner and calling loved ones non-stop until they pick up.
Talk about conducting oneself in an orderly manner, let alone being mentally healthy. (Yikes.)
I like to work hard, it keeps the engine running along with the source of foresight. If the engine stops, then I become uneasy with the uncertainty of a situation or what could or will not happen.
It's funny because when I do sit down and try to critically think, I think harshly and end up becoming indecisive about the matter at hand. The reality of this is that I have a hard time accepting things as they are.
This is a messed up cycle, and it should be broken.
To be flexible and adaptable, I am required to take a step back and give myself a well earned break. I want to treat my self-esteem and personality like I would to a five-year-old child. I wouldn't speak harshly to a kid (especially to one as bright as myself.)
That child should be treated with kindness and given more rewards for their best efforts.
When there's a failure or bump in the road, it's not the end of the world. I want to instead just laugh at it and not self-criticize and agonize over something I never had control over in the first place. When I do overreact and ruffle everyone's feathers, I could chuckle and say, "boy, the hen house is now pretty loud," (My dear family is practically three hens and two roosters).
In a non-judgmental way, I can analyze why I am upset and where the source is coming from. Then, a word of kindness I say to myself is that life isn't perfect, and that is OK.
Life is a pretty long journey, and things are not perfect. The best way to be is to accept the reality of a situation and be adaptable and flexible.
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