Since I was a little girl, I have focused on everyone else in the world. I never, ever worry about myself and, well, it has caught up to me. It is the worst feeling to think that, for my entire life, I have been living wrong! I have always had a heart for people. I mean isn't that how a Christian is to be? But today, and this past week, I learned that I wasn't just giving enough, I was giving all. If I had a full cup, I was giving all of that and the cup and then my arms.....point being I give everything to everyone and leave nothing for myself.
Today, I had my first counseling session. Last night, I laid in my bed in complete fear; I wasn't afraid of what my counselor would say, but how I would be viewed. I AM THE MOTIVATIONAL SPEAKER! I am supposed to bring love and support and be the shoulder for everyone to cry on and I.....I can't even find the courage to get out of bed in the morning half the time.
I felt like a failure. I currently feel like a failure.
This past week I was also confronted with other feelings besides depression, anxiety, and failure: My father's passing.
Since my father died in 2015, I have not grieved. He passed on a Monday and on Tuesday I was back at school. This isn't because I didn't care but because I believed if I worked harder than he would be proud of me. That's my real fear, not making my parents proud. That fears sets on my chest every single day. But something happened to me this past weekend....
God. God Happened.
I sat in a room and with four of my closest friends, I wept. Not just small tears, chest walling sobs and large tears that wet my whole face. But I needed that to get to a point where I could write this. God gave me that chance and knew I needed to have a moment of clarity.
Today? Today I had my first counseling session and you know what? I couldn't give two cares about how anyone in the world feels about it. I am trying to find my happiness and by the grace of God, I will find it again.