My roommate is what I’d lovingly call "Crunchy". She loves all-natural products and organic food and has a conspiracy theory against pharmaceutical companies. I on the other hand am very willing to shove garbage in and on my body and throw my money at the companies who allow me to do so. Here’s a running list of things she wants me to throw in the trash:

1. Easy Mac

She also believes regular Kraft can kill me so imma say this whole thing is ridic. And this mac and cheese debate then umbrellas to include ramen and my microwavable pasta. I’m willing to risk it for some macaroni. 9/10 microwave again.

2. Tostitos Tortilla Chips

GMO must stand for God-given Mouth Orgasm. And I’m all about them. I’m not really sure why GMOs will kill me, but if I can use queso dip, I’ll risk it. 7/10 bite into it again.

3. Frozen Meals

What preserves them? Idk but I love myself some upgraded mac and cheese once and awhile and that TGI Friday’s frozen spinach and artichoke dip. 10/10 go to cheesy heaven.

4. Keurig Water

Yes, I left my Keurig water sitting there over spring break, but boiling water kills bacteria so it totally cancels things out. I need my coffee and don’t want to hike all the way to the nice water fountain to fill this, back off. 8/10 caffeinate again.

5. My Christmas Lights That May or May Not Be a Fire Hazard

So maybe I did shove some of the lights into the ceiling to hang it, but it’s fine. I feel like if we’ve made it this far in the school year we shouldn’t be worrying about it still. Give me fairy lights or give me death: 10/10.

6. The Excessive Amount of Things I Have Plugged Into a Single Outlet

Fire hazard, shmire hazard. She can’t expect me to filter my fish tank, fuel my fairy lights, charge my phone, charge my laptop, power our microwave, and power the vinyl player I don’t use. 10/10 burn to death.

7. My Sorority

So maybe my Big tried to lock me out of my room, but they totally aren’t trying to remove me from society. That’s why I’ve spent every night this week with them. Actually, I don’t think I’ve seen my roommate this whole week. What’s her name again? Where do I live? 2/10 remember what a bed is.

8. Dry Shampoo

The sweet smell of propane and the joys of skipping yet another shower. I can’t be expected to wake up for a 10 a.m. class and have it together. 6/10 wear a hat to cover their shame.

9. My Abundance of Pillows

Half of them end up under my bed anyway, but my family of pillows would do nothing to harm me. She’s jealous she doesn’t have a cuddle buddy. 10/10 count sheep.

10. Friday Nights Out

Not that I would ever go out, but a little party never killed nobody. If anything’s suffering, it’s my bank account. 9/10 desperately try to forget their problems.

11. Myself

I pull her together, but tear myself apart. 1/10 have hope.