When I was a little girl, I watched Disney movies non-stop. Disney was my religion. As a princess myself, I found that I could really relate to all of the classic princess flicks in a way most other children couldn't. From Snow White to Ana and Elsa, the princesses of Disney were my closest childhood friends and role models. My one and only goal for my life, much like every Disney princess, was this: Find a prince, marry him, and live happily ever after. The end.
I learned at a young age to have completely unrealistic expectations for my hair. Rapunzel wears a weave. Belle makes tying your hair back with a ribbon look easy, but don't let that fool you. Jasmine's ponytail is the size of a tree trunk. Don't even get me started on Pocahontas and her perfect hair. Honey, where is your hairbrush? And Ariel–no one is born with fire engine red hair. I don't care if your dad is King Triton. I thought it was going to be WAY easier than it actually was to dye my hair red, so thanks for that.
One key thing that every princess needs to learn is to sing everything always. Literally, narrate your life in song. This is why I grew up the way that I did. It's perfectly normal and not at all annoying.
Snow White taught me that nice guys finish last. Let's take a look at her seven male dwarf "friends." Doc is a hard worker–a provider. Happy is a go-getter. Grumpy is strong and opinionated. Bashful is introverted but a real sweetheart. Sneezy is awkward, but his awkwardness makes him charming. Sleepy is always up for Netflix and chill. And at least with Dopey around, you'll never feel dumb. Here are seven half-size men with full-size hearts that belong in the friend zone.
Snow White also taught me that taking food from strangers is perfectly acceptable. Seriously, nothing can go wrong there. Look at Alice, for example. That mushroom from the smoking caterpillar? Probably just a portabello. Look at your life and look at your choices.
Cinderella taught me that working all day and partying all night is a healthy lifestyle.
Sleeping Beauty taught me that stranger danger is a myth. Befriend strangers you meet in the woods, especially if you run into a hot guy. Odds are, he ends up being a prince–right? Another important life lesson to be learned is that consent doesn't matter if it's true love's kiss. Maybe brains would've made a good gift. Thanks a lot, fairies.
Ariel taught me that if I deliberately disobey my parents, I'll live happily ever after. "Daddy, I love him!" OK. Slow down, crazy. If you want the guy of your dreams, you also have to give up your voice, your family, and basically, everything that defines who you are as a person.
"Beauty and the Beast" taught me that kidnapping is a social norm. Nay, a social nicety. Sorry, Belle, but I'm not in the market for Stockholm Syndrome today.
"Aladdin" taught me that lying never ends badly. If you don't meet someone's expectations, fake it 'til you make it. Don't worry, teenage girls who have been lied to are notoriously forgiving.
Pocahontas taught me that it is A-OK to do reckless things because they have no repercussions. Turns out, jumping off of waterfalls is a perfectly safe recreational activity. Also, talking to inanimate objects is a normal thing to do and no one will think you're crazy for it.
Rapunzel taught me to never fear when someone breaks into my room. He's probably a great guy who'll make a fantabulous adventure partner. Bonus points if he's a repeat offender or if he tries to seduce you.
Mulan taught me that the law doesn't apply to you if you're a good person.
"Frozen" taught me that if you–I don't know–accidentally, maybe almost kill your little sister or something, the solution is to erase their memory and go hide in your room for your entire childhood. Don't try to harness your dangerous powers, just keep it hush-hush and it'll buff out. Running away is the best way to fix your mistakes. Go lock yourself away again, or–better yet–build yourself an ice kingdom. It's perfectly acceptable for a grown woman to throw a giant temper tantrum, but only if you sing a really hype song about it.
Clearly, the cold does bother you, Elsa.
