The Worst Day Of My Life

One universal thing about the world we live in is the fact that, sooner or later, we will all experience pain in some way. When I was young, I was terrified of breaking a bone (although that fear didn't exactly keep me from climbing trees and then quickly falling out of them.) I had heard horror stories of bones snapping and the grueling process of the body putting them back together. Needless to say, I was mortified by the idea of breaking a bone. Three ER visits and 15 years later, I still haven't broken a bone. I've done just about everything else to myself but have somehow escaped, insofar, that particular pain.

I discovered, surprisingly, that in maturity, you learn to be afraid of other, intangible hurts. I can't say I wake up in the morning and think to myself, "I hope I don't break a bone." No, the desires of my heart have deepened, lengthened, into something I can barely characterize with words. I wake up in the morning and think to myself, "Lord, please protect the man that's sleeping beside me." I think to myself, "Take care of my sister, hundreds of miles away desperately trying to figure out what life is to her." I think to myself, "Guide my parents as they maneuver through life and it's obstacles." My fears are no longer tangible, solid.

They are ghosts. They are illusions. They are what my mind can dream up in the still of the night or the chaos of the day. I could easily look you in the eye and say the worst day of my life was the day I lost my father, sure. But, deep down in my heart, I would know otherwise.

Something happens in us, as women, as we grow up. Our longings, our fears, our desires and our challenges all start to coalesce into one, inscrutable mess that we ourselves fear unraveling. Imagine a husband entering that minefield.

I remember the early months of my marriage were a whirlwind of discovery--both good and bad. I discovered that I have both an uncanny ability to pull painful memories from my husband and to bury my own. I suppose it's easier to deal with someone else's pain, to act as a crutch for them to lean on because the crutch isn't typically the part that hurts. I learned oodles of things about my husband that I hadn't known previously. I was incredibly proud to be the person in whom he was confiding his deepest hurts and worries. I was his safe-house.

A couple of years went by, though, and I began to notice an unevenness in myself. Whereas my husband was becoming more and more open with me, I was beginning to shut parts of myself away--the parts that probably needed the most attention and care. I was beginning to exist in myself because I was sure he didn't want to know the horrors that resided inside my head. That, or I wasn't sure he could handle the insane, tangled mess that had become my mind. I was anxious about the levees breaking and accidentally drowning him in the desires, longings and hurts that had been building within me for 25 years.

I guess you could say that I was afraid of him rejecting the culmination of my life's fears. Why? I have no idea. He'd never, not even once, shown signs of rejecting me. If anything, he had always accepted and loved--no, worshiped-- every part of me. So why was I afraid? *insert shrug here*

I can't even tell you when it all came to a head, but it did, and it was unpleasant. At least for me. I descended into a babbling, sputtering state that I haven't been in since childhood and my husband listened, quietly, patiently. I confided my deepest, darkest fears to him and some of my most awful shames and quarries. I can't remember all I said, but I slowly became aware that I was breathing and I was alive. In my attempt to protect him from myself, I had begun the long process of suffocating myself. What I thought was strength had become staunch control and I had blocked out much of what I needed.

I realized, in that awful, ugly moment, that I was afraid of losing another man I loved. My father had left, albeit not of his own accord, and deserted my mother and sister to a vacant, dry life to figure out on our own. In my own, confounded way, I had tried to control the loss of another man I loved--my husband. I figured if I hid the crazy he would never be tempted to leave emotionally or physically.

Little did I know that I was robbing myself of the grandest earthly relationship the Creator had bestowed on us. I was hiding my delicate, feminine heart behind an impenetrable wall of strength and courage. I am thankful that I have the husband I do. His love for me is unrivaled, save for by the love of the One that brought us together.

So, in conclusion, I suppose the worst day of my life was also the best. I relinquished the death grip I had been holding on my life and surrendered it to my husband and my Lord. If I can give any advice to young wives, don't hide yourself. Because, believe me, the world wants to know you.

Report this Content
This article has not been reviewed by Odyssey HQ and solely reflects the ideas and opinions of the creator.

I was never really big on cocktails. Tequila soda is always a go-to drink for me because of its simplicity and, to be honest, lack of extra calories from mixers chock-full of sugar, chemicals, and other unknown ingredients. I like tequila, and like to be able to really savor it.

This all changed when, a couple of years ago, a friend of mine made me a margarita from scratch — no funky mixers involved — and it tasted incredible. It was light, refreshing, and complemented the tequila without overpowering it.

Keep Reading... Show less

I was blessed with thick, full hair up until my late teens. At the time, I cursed my hairiness — this was before full eyebrows became trendy or cool, and were instead a point of bullying many of my fellow full-browed teens can relate to.

Later in my 20s, hormonal stability was something I was thankful for, though a major side effect ended up being hair loss — on my head, lashes, and brows. I now find my filling in my brows on an almost daily basis. As much as I enjoy toying with and testing out different brow-filling products, it'll never be quite the same as being able to have "I woke up like this" full, Gigi Hadid-esque brows.

Keep Reading... Show less
Health and Wellness

May Is Mental Health Awareness Month, A Reminder We Need Even More In Quarantine

You're going through something brand new — that's worth talking about.

May is Mental Health Awareness Month. This isn't new to 2020, but oh man, if we ever needed a reminder about the importance of mental health, now is the time. With different states all over the place in regard to stay-at-home orders, phased reopenings, and a "new normal," we're experiencing conflict, fear, changes, and unknowns that can easily trigger mental struggles we already have or spark feelings we've never had before. Yes, May is always Mental Health Awareness Month, but in quarantine, that need for positive mental health is taken to a whole new level.

Keep Reading... Show less
Netflix

Everyone is LOVING "Outer Banks," as you've probably heard. And if you haven't caught the hype for the show yet, these articles will definitely give you a taste of what you're missing.

If you already have seen and fallen in love with the teen heartthrob crew, you need to get on board with some of these theories for season two!

Keep Reading... Show less
Lifestyle

These 11 Face Masks On Etsy Support Small Businesses While Fighting The Spread Of Coronavirus

We're staying safe as states start lifting lockdown guidelines.

I, like most people who have had the luxury of being able to stay at home during this time, haven't spent much time outdoors at all. But when I do brave the great outdoors for a walk or to get to the grocery store, you won't find me without a mask.

My family and I were lucky enough to have family friends who were sewing some and had extras to give to us, but most of my friends and loved ones outside my immediate family have had to order some (or make a makeshift one out of scarves or bandanas).

Keep Reading... Show less
Lifestyle

13 Reasons We're Using Quarantine As The Ultimate Excuse For Online Shopping This Month

The one thing we haven't distanced from is our bank account.

Throughout quarantine, I've been FaceTiming most of my friends in a full turtleneck or the go-to cozy sweater I keep wrapped around the chair in my room. Either way, I always have tea in my hands to keep myself warm — till this past week.

For most of the country who hasn't had the luck of quarantining in 90-degree weather on their family's lake house or with a backyard pool, things began to change this month. Our favorite shows came out with summer seasons, the sun came out, and we started spending more time outside.

Keep Reading... Show less
Facebook Comments