On the outside, I may seem motivated. I may seem productive. I may seem to be on top of everything. I may seem to have my life together…but can I be brutally honest? All I ever really want to do is curl up on my bed in my sweats, watch Netflix, eat lots of junk food, and sleep for 12+ hours. I'm so serious.

Though this hardly ever seems to happen.

I've watched about five episodes of The Vampire Diaries since I came to school in August. It's a rare day that I get to fit in a short nap. It's even rarer that I'm asleep before 2 a.m. Why is this? Because my mind never stops running full speed ahead- ever. There's always somewhere to be, and something to do.

Let's go back to high school for a quick second.

I loved being involved in high school. It was easy to be in every single club because they usually only met once a month, and community service projects often included bringing in a couple cans of cat food for the humane society. It was easy to go to pretty much every football, basketball, volleyball, or baseball game because they only had a couple a week. It was easy to find friends to hang out with because there were only a handful to choose from. Everything was just easy.

College on the other hand, is completely different. It's not that easy.

There are endless amounts of possibilities. Hundreds of student organizations to choose from. Greek life. Campus-wide events. Thousands of people living on one campus, and thousands more that commute every day. Intramural sports plus collegiate sports.

And so. much. more.

I am by no means saying these things are bad. In fact, they're really great.

But…

I'm really bad about feeling guilty for not going to things I think I should've gone to.

I'm bad about comparing my list of extracurricular activities to other people's. I'm bad about getting caught up in numbers. I'm bad about being my own personal critic and biggest judge. I'm bad about never giving myself a break.

I feel guilty if I didn't go to that sisterhood. Or drop-in. Or meeting.

I feel guilted into joining another club just for the sake of my resume.

I feel guilty because I should've signed up for that blood drive.

I feel guilty for not going to that football game. Or basketball game. Or baseball game.

I feel guilty for saying no to hanging out just because I had homework or wanted to go to sleep early.

…these are constant internal battles I face, each and every day.

Why?

Because maybe if I do all of these things, people will think I'm cool. They'll think I love my life. They'll think I'm super involved.

Because maybe I could take a cute picture for Instagram, or post a cool Snapchat story.

The truth is, I do love my life…but sometimes I'm content just staying in…actually, most of the time I am. I'm content getting in bed at 8 o'clock. I'm content playing round after round of Phase 10 with my friends while slurping on a Coke/Dr. Pepper icee from the nearby gas station. I'm content spending hour after hour in the caf, not having to worry about what else I have to do that day.

Even though it's hard for me to accept, it's totally okay for me to be content doing just these things.

I recently listened to a podcast where the pastor spoke about serving others. He discussed how we as believers are to have "grace in the grind." How we are, even if it is the most mundane and insignificant of tasks, to treat each and every thing we do as if it were for the Lord, because He has done immeasurably more for us than we could ever think possible.

From this, I've gained much peace. I've experienced an "aha" moment. It doesn't matter what I do, how much I do, or when I do it. Jesus isn't going to count how many bible studies I went to, how many times I donated blood, or how many organizations I was in during college.

No, He's going to look at my heart. He's going to look at how well I served. He's going to look at how much grace I gave, and how much mercy I showed. So from now on, these are going to be the things I focus on, because after all, they're really all that matter.

Instead of feeling guilty for not going to things I think I should have gone to, I will find rest in this. I will be content doing the things I like to do.

"Now to Him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to His power that is at work within us, to Him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen." Ephesians 3:20-21