I am in no way, shape, or form the "it girl." I am the "not it" girl.
I didn't always realize this. As a short, chubby, googly-eyed girl, I was happy. Sure, kids threw around little insults and always picked me last for kickball, but when I cried to my parents and the teachers, they always had an excuse. They told me that when I got older, the boys would chase me and the girls would want to be my best friend. I waited for the day I grew into my "it girl" body.
But the older I got, I noticed that I wasn't growing out of the baby fat and glasses.
While everyone else was squeezing into brand name skinny jeans and straightening their shiny, long hair, I hid in the back corner of the room in random plus size junior's jeans with my curly, short hair pulled back into an awful train wreck of a ponytail.
The kids only got meaner. The insults got louder and harsher. My best friend's new best friend told me to find a new lunch table or the popular kids would never talk to them. Even now, I still don't blame them. Mean Girls taught me that school is a jungle, and they were doing what they needed to survive.
But that doesn't mean it hurt any less. This is when the tears started. This is when I started to stand in front of every reflective surface I saw and ridicule the way I looked. Why me? Why can't I just fit in?
Then, I realized why I can't just fit in. I was born to be the "not it" girl.
It girls get invited to the parties.
They get asked to dances.
They get on the homecoming court.
They get to experience the "good life" to the fullest extent.
When they get sad, it seems like they always have an ocean of support.
Nobody dares say a bad word about one of these golden girls, they are simply "it." I think that a part of me understood that their lives weren't really perfect. A part of me had to have known that everyone struggles. But it looked a lot easier to struggle through things with the quarterback and a posse of friends behind you.
Even with all of their own personal issues, the boys still swoon for them and the girls like me would still die to be them.
And some of them do.
Some of the "not it" girls will spend their entire lives chasing their dreams of being the center of attention in a room for all the right reasons for once. These girls will starve, cry, lie, dye, and squeeze to be everything they think they should be.
Right now, there are girls all over the world making room in their bodies for a completely different person to take them over and make them feel whole for the first time. They purge every unique and beautiful part of themselves with the hopes that they can look like their #thinspo or their #goals. I know this because I was one of those girls. I know what it's like to not be enough of an "it" girl.
After years of tears, shapewear, and crash diets, I have come to full terms with my fate. I am destined to live a life of awesomeness. I am living out the life of a "not it" girl with about as much grace as an elephant in a grease pit.
I found my place.
I am a part of an awesome college (Go Mounties!), I have amazing friends and family, and God gave me an amazing boyfriend who has never given up on me. I was persistent. I kept going. I pushed and pushed and pushed until I finally pushed the thoughts of being perfect out of my head. I am liberated because I know that I don't have to be an "it girl" to live an amazing life.
So, I am a loud and proud "not it" girl.
Being me has gotten me further than I ever thought possible. At the young age of 18, I've seen my world open up and explode into a million beautiful colors. I am not the girl everyone talks about because I'm perfect. I am the girl that can light up a room with my smile. I can change the world, and I am going to try my best to do so. I am the chubby, baby-faced, loud, emotional, artistic, and faithful "not it" girl that still fights every day to be better.
Let go of the thoughts that tell you that you can't and fill their space with thoughts of power. You are your own superhero. No amount of likes on an Instagram or comments on a Facebook post will ever determine who you are. You determine who you are.