Almost two months to the day and I still find myself constantly struggling to close this chapter of my life.
I have prayed more times in the past two months than I can remember doing in the past 18 years.
I have prayed for peace.
I have prayed for healing.
Unanswered prayers may be the reason people dance with the devil.
I have cut the stem of the flower you planted in my soul but I have yet to dig out the root.
This can only be done if I back to see if I could pinpoint exact moments when I fell in love.
I have never invited anybody to Thanksgiving dinner in my life. I was even nervous to ask you. Yet there you were with my family, laughing and conversing. To me, making a man a plate was like a "wifely duty." You're the only man I've ever made a plate.
I think about the time when you came to the realization we wouldn't be together and I cried in your bed and you wiped my tears. Then you cried seeing me cry and I don't know if I've ever seen anything more beautiful. It was the moment I knew that even if we weren't connected, our souls were somehow intertwined.
I was thinking about the night in January when I had a little too much to drink. I showed up at your house while we were in some minuscule argument and I climbed in your bed and we continued to bicker back and forth because you were so upset with me. I went and laid on the couch and you came to get me and told me to come back to bed and you held me. I thought that was our way of making peace; a treaty. I tried to hold your arm and you said, "No, we're not being lovey-dovey. I brought you in here so you can be comfortable because this is how we usually sleep." I knew that was special. Being upset, but being able to sacrifice that for a moment for my comfortability.
You're the only person I've shared a bed with; who has made the fire in my soul not smolder but feel at peace. I don't know if I can explain why it worked that way or how, but it did.
I've been trying to figure out what was in me that you chose to commit to.
Until reality sank in and it hit me.
You didn't want to commit to me.
I don't know if you ever would have.
I realized no matter how strong the connection I thought we had between us was authentic and one of a kind...your connection to her is stronger because she has something that made you do something you swore you didn't want or have the attention to give: commitment.
In its truest form.
I'll never be able to combat that.
That was it.
That's the closure.
The realization you never really wanted to be with me, to begin with.
I didn't need to have a conversation with you to realize that.
I needed to have an honest conversation with myself.