The other day, when I was getting lunch with Brad Pitt, he leaned in all personal-like and said to me "Raymond, you're so handsome and brilliant and also are a man of genius--" ("why thank you, thank you," said I) "--and although I'll never be as great as you, I am dying to know--how do you come up with your inspiration for writing? What is your process? Tell me your secrets, please, I'll give you anything!!!" These were his exact words. Well Brad, you needn't be so hard on yourself (Yes, Brad, I wrote this for you! Just FOR YOU!) I'm sure that one day, with five percent pleasure, fifty percent pain, and one-hundred percent concentration of luck, you too may be almost as great as me. Coincidentally, I had an assignment at the beginning of the semester to dictate/illustrate a ten-step program of my personal writing process. I never turned it in, because I dropped out of the class. (It was too hard.) Anyway, I think now is a timely moment to share this program for the Creatively Uninspired, the Weary of Heart, and the Generally Bored. This helpful program can also be applied to studying for finals, washing dishes, pouring cereal, and any other intimidating feat that you have no motivation to accomplish.

1. Thinking

Sometimes you can skip this step, especially if you're an American. (Burn.)

2. Pacing

I'm not sure why this step is crucial, but if you don't do it bad things will happen.

3. Travel up mountains

McDonalds will do, if mountains are not immediately available/feasible. You just have to feel like you've done something really bold and daring.

4. Grow long beard

Growing a beard is crucial to the writing process. Look at all the successful writers in history. Dostoevsky. Darwin. Abraham Lincoln. What do they all have in common? Beards. You who didn't have a beard? Virginia Woolf. And look where she's at. She's dead.

5. Slowly starve to death eating berries

I'm not sure what's wrong with the guy's arms here?????? You can tell we're really deep in the process now.

6. Scribble poetry while slightly delirious

The great poet Percy Shelley famously wrote, "O! Lift me as a wave, a leaf, a cloud! I fall upon the thorns of life! I bleed!" How could anyone have woven together such beautiful, powerful, and evocative imagery? Clearly not anyone in their right mind. Sacrifices must be made for greatness.

7. Have an epiphany

This will happen eventually. If it does not happen, see step 1.

8. Throw off clothes

T.S. Eliot once wrote, "Nudity is the handmaiden of creativity." I think he wrote that. I don't have time to look it up, I'm feeling way too inspired right now. This is also why the men of McMillan hall are such artistic geniuses: they love being naked.

9. Run down mountain

You may encounter some minor difficulties here on account of starving yourself in step 6. But it won't matter by now, because everything is so romantic and you're probably seeing all these visions and maybe your life flashing by--you won't even think about your hunger.

10. Pass out in a public square

Now you may be asking, Brad (yes, you! I love you too) wait, where do you get to the actual writing? IT'S ONLY A TEN STEP PROGRAM, OKAY? ARE YOU SAYING I RAN OUT OF IDEAS? HOW DARE YOU QUESTION MY GENIUS! Yes, I forgive you. And besides, I ran out of class time.

Finals is almost over folks. In all seriousness, life is too short to stress out about things too much. It's over before you know it. So tell your friends they're beautiful, drink coffee, and GO, DOG, GO!!!!!!!!!!!

(that was an inside joke)