People really like to judge us, but they don't really understand us. Here's what it's really like to have the mind of a "fat" girl.
If I were to list everything that burdens us or makes our lives difficult, we would be here all day so here's the jist.
Changes clothes at least three times, not because we're indecisive, but because we're convinced we look huge. I understand that everyone has this issue but still, I think it's worth mentioning.
We worry about how bad it might be for us but you're supposed to eat at least three meals a day but you're a college student so you don't have time to eat a healthy breakfast on the go.
Getting on a bus
As a big girl, my thighs are pretty big, more often than not the person who is unlucky enough to be inconvenienced by sitting next to me, will continue to shift in their seat to try to avoid their thighs from touching mine, and in the process continuing to look down at my thigh as if their stare will somehow shrink it so they could be comfortable.
(Heads up, not only does this make us feel bad but it also makes us just as uncomfortable and extra self-conscious.)
Flying on a plane
I am terrified of flying, but what makes me the most anxious is the possibility of a passenger getting angry because my thigh touches theirs for a flight and the possibility of having to buy a whole other seat.
Going to class
If no one has noticed, a lot of college desks suck and are small. Well, what you may not have noticed is that for someone who is bigger, those desks are the devil. They're super uncomfortable and back to the thigh issue, we don't quite get to sit on the chair all the way.
The other day I was scrolling through Instagram and saw on the official Insta page: a gorgeous plus-sized woman in a bathing suit who loved her body. I only saw a few positive comments, the majority were comments about how disgusting, unhealthy, and unattractive she was because she was "obese" and had a "disease." I was so excited to see her on their official Instagram but that was instantly squashed because of the nasty comments that reinforced how negatively people see you when in their eyes you weigh too much. Pinterest is another problem app for me because I love the cute outfit ideas and the really cute clothes that you can find, but rarely on a plus-size girl in plus-size clothes.
We either refuse to step on a scale in fear of what we may see, or we obsess over what weight the scale shows us. That's if we can even get ourselves there. We obsess over fitness videos to get ideas but we convince ourselves we don't have the time to make it to the gym so we avoid it altogether.
Shopping is the last thing I want to do when clothes are involved. I may start off being super confident ifI can even find cute clothes in my size, but all it takes is for one pair of jeans or one shirt to not fit because of how messed up women's sizing is. On top of that, the idea for "plus size" for so many companies is a size 12 now, that leaves those who are 16+ left confused about what size they really are.
My friends absolutely love taking photos of each other. If they're able to talk me into taking one or two I refuse to look at them most of the time because I know I won't be happy with what I see and I don't want them to have to delete a photo they like of themselves.
Buying food whether fast food or something on campus is always intimidating. I always feel like I'm being watched and people are judging me in their heads and saying "she doesn't need that," or "does she really need that?" When we tell ourselves we will eat better, but then we realize how expensive that really is to do and hey we're only college students.
These are the most terrifying. I find myself saying "girls like me don't get guys that look like him" more often than not because society has convinced us that we are unlovable. If we go past the thought of a man not wanting to love us and fast forward to the time to be intimate, the main focus becomes he's not going to love me, I'm disgusting, the world tells me so.
I don't write these things to complain or make anyone feel guilty, I tried to keep this light-hearted but this is a discussion that needs to get started. I just feel like it's important to remember that we know that we are big, and many people make claims that they think we are "unhealthy." No one knows the battle that someone is going through, whether they are trying to improve their life, are working out, or are painfully aware that they are overweight (and we are) but we're trying to deal with it in our own time.