Don't send a search team,
I've shed my soul.
My heart is hollow
but beats for you all.
I never meant to upset,
but I just couldn't stay.
I only felt at home when
I was wiping tears away.
And don't worry for me
if I don't write for long.
My words are silent,
but my voice is never gone.
I hope they're proud.
The aunt I am named after died before I was born. In fact, she died before I was even a thought — my mom was 6 then, my aunt was 21. My uncle died when my dad was two. He was alive for 18 hours and didn't make it.
Now, even though I never got to meet them and they didn't get to live out their full lives, there is not a single day that goes by that I don't think of them. So this article goes out to them and all the things I wish I could say to them.
To the aunt and uncle I lost too soon, here's what I want you to know.
I love you. Every single day I wonder what life would be like if you were here. Would we have a good relationship? Would you be proud of me? Would I be your favorite niece (the answer to that one is easy — yes)?
I hope you know that I'll never forget you, even if I've never met you. Aunt Gail, you live on in the stories that are told of you and your artwork that graces our walls. Uncle Jeffrey, you were here for not even a day but a stocking hangs on the mantel for you every Christmas. Even when the rest of the family may not mention you and want to let your memory fade, I hope you know I never will.
When I think about what life would be like if you were still here, it makes me sad to see where I am and to know you never got to experience any of it with me. Neither of you will ever be able to read any of my writings. You never got to see me graduate, or will see me get married.
I hope you're looking down on me from Heaven.
I cannot wait for the day when we are reunited and I finally get to know you. I hope you're proud of me. I hope you love me as much as I love you. Aunt Gail, I hope you know how much I strive to keep your name alive. I wish I looked more like you. You're my guardian angel. You would have been the peace-keeper of our family. I like to think you'd take my side, being the aunt I go to for advice or for a nice hug.
Uncle Jeff, I hope you are everything like my dad and nothing like my dad all at once. I hope you have all of his good qualities and none of his bad. I like to think that you would have been the prankster of our family, always keeping us on our toes. You would probably give my future boyfriend a hard time, being very protective of me. I hope your hair would be curly, and maybe just a little bit red, like mine.
I wish you both had gotten more time, but I know God has a plan for everything. Whatever His plan was/is for all of this, I know you are so much closer to Him than me, thus keeping you in a better place.
I've said it once, I'll say it again: I love you. I love you forever. We've never met, but I love you so much more than you could ever know.
I'll see you one day, and I cannot wait for that day.
Love,
Your (favorite) niece.
Your heart beats within me.
Long will your lessons live through me.
When I reminisce of you and smile,
I'll choke bittersweetly on your memory.
Your stories will be retold,
but never with the same vigor of voice.
Your recipes won't taste quite the same
without that old spice for life you always added.
Nobody will ever know just what to say
or how to say it in just the right way
like you did to me each dreary difficult day.
But with knowing you comes no loss,
just gain.
Your teachings and wisdom will always
help me sustain this life I construct
with you as the architect
on a foundation of memories
we built together.
And if all else crashes down around it,
a foundation can never fall,
and the concrete you poured
will give way to high rises of those
who I have passed your
plans and designs for a happy life
down to.
I cannot and will not forget you.
You are infused in me.
A part of me is you.
I will not say goodbye.
Goodbye is for departures
and ours is a bond that not even
death can part.
But I will instead say
goodnight sweet soul,
till dreams do take me back to you
with tales of my own,
in a skyline rich in what,
with your wisdom always in heart,
we have continued to build together.
Hearing things from a stranger that only I could know is the most eye opening thing I have ever experienced.
Everyone that knows me knows I am an open skeptic. I can't remember the last time I truly believed in a spirit realm or afterlife. I've always been a little skeptical about my skepticism, but I've mostly denied any belief in spirits. So, when I heard of a Medium that was on the rise and quite praised in my hometown I became curious.
I realized my skepticism had been blind. I didn't have a reason behind it. Other than being Atheist, I had no reason to not believe in spirits. I had a problem where I connected my belief in no gods to my belief in spirits, which I later realized are completely separate.
Next thing I knew I had to meet this woman. I had to see for myself if it was true what people had been saying about her. I wanted to go not only to see if the praises were true, but there were also some people I wanted to contact.
Christmas morning my wish came true. I was gifted a session with the Medium. My mother and I were scheduled to see her the following week. I was excited but didn't think much of it until the night before. That is when I realized I had nothing to ask or say if she was able to contact the deceased. I was so focused on the what if it isn't real, what if it is so vague the reading could be for anyone?
The morning arrived and I went into the Medium's studio with an open mind, I also went in with a box of tissues just in case. Let me tell you it was an experience like no other.
My mother and I sat down at a table. I was so nervous I was surprised I wasn't shaking the whole table. Part of my nerves where due to thinking if she can contact my lost family, what will they say? The other part was because I was nervous she would be able to tell I was a skeptic or something and the reading would flop. Have you ever heard that joke about a hooker walking into a church, it was kind of like that, but a skeptic walking into a Medium's office.
After the Medium saged the room she began the reading. It was slow at first, kind of vague mostly genders and ages were said aloud. I still cried when she got even close to something related to one of my loved ones, but there was really one moment that sold it to me.
This moment didn't really have anything to do with her medium practice, but her psychic practice. She told me she saw that I felt I didn't belong where I currently am. She saw that I had bigger ambitions. I have always said when I graduate I am heading to the city. Philly will be my home. That was part of it, but the part of that whole segment that really made me say "Yes I believe." was when she talked about past lives. She didn't want to get into it too much, but she said she felt the pull of another culture.
Hearing that struck me in the heart. I wrote an article at the beginning of last year telling the story of my heritage and how it is not defined by my genetics. I wrote about my grandfather who was Chinese and how we were love bound, not blood bound.
Now my mom made this appointment and put it under her name and her name only. The medium didn't know my name and could not have searched me. There is only one explanation to how she knew and that explanation was that she was the real deal.
There were many more moments from that point that made me believe. She said so many things that are not available to the public. It shook up my whole world and my belief system. I now can say I truly believe in spirits. I am unclear in what sense specifically, but there is plenty of time to figure it out.
Growing up is not so tough when you have friends by your side.
When you have friends that have lasted over the years, you grow up together and create so many memories that can last a lifetime. I have learned from being graduated from high school for the past few years the importance of friendships that have endured over periods of time. No matter how much time has passed since we've last spoke or seen each other, I know that I can text or call them to ask for advice, to vent, or to quickly catch up. That's the thing about friendships that span time—you understand that no matter the distance or age, you all value the friendship. That's the difference between the friendly passing of someone you see in a grocery store and bumping into a friend you haven't seen in a while and talking for a long time.
My friend group from high school is smaller now, but the friendships I have are more meaningful and have grown throughout the years. We're growing up in our careers, schooling, and maybe changing our locations too, but we still find the importance of our friendships. In high school, you spend practically every day with your friends, and that is the challenge we face now being removed from the bubble of high school. You probably aren't going to see or hear from your best friend every day of your life, and it can be easy to fall into the pattern of the mundane and put friendships on the backburner. The bonds that last are when you make that contact, whether it be a phone call or text letting them know you're thinking of them. It can be as easy as sending them a funny meme that reminded you of them or asking them how their family is doing. Friendship, no matter what your age, is about the little things.
It is always so valuable to have people who have seen how much you have grown and will support you as you achieve your dreams and goals. They are the people I can always fall back on when I've had a bad day or need some cheerleaders after an achievement. My friendships mean so much to me because I know I always have those people who will love me for who I am, and I will do the same for them. No matter if we live minutes or hours apart, please know how much I value you and our friendship. You are continually pushing me to be a better person, and I can't wait to see where our friendships will go from here.
My advice, whether you are still a high school student or have already graduated, make an effort in friendships that mean something to you. I mean if the other person isn't giving anything meaningful to you and it isn't a healthy relationship, then it is okay to end the high school friendship. It can be so easy in this world that we can forget about each other or just get caught up in the fast pace of life, but making an effort and a little work toward valuable friendships makes a world of difference. Having friendships that survive high school drama and so much change are the friends that can mean the most to people. They are the types of friends you can spend time with reflecting on the "good old days" and laugh at your decisions. Thank you for these past several years of friendship, and I always look forward to catching up on life when we can because those moments mean so much to me.
No longer by my side, but forever in my heart.
To my best friend,
You have been gone for so long.
Some will say you were only a dog,
But to me, you were more.
When I was sad or upset, you comforted me
When I was angry or crying, you calmed me.
From when I was only 6 until I was 17, you were there
Now months have passed, now I'm 18, and you can't be here.
If I could build a road to wherever you are, I'd walk there,
No matter how far.
I'd bring you home, and home you'd stay,
Forever to run, to sleep, to cuddle and play.
Our first Christmas without you; it just won't be the same.
Sonny, I miss you... More and more every day.
---
My dog, Sonny (pictured above), passed away In March. I had him since I was about six years old. He got sick in 2017 and we were scared he wouldn't see Christmas 2017. He pushed through and saw the turn of the New Year into 2018. As early 2018 passed, we saw he wasn't getting better. We realized what was best for him. On March 20, 2018, I wore all black to school and cried almost the whole day. My best friend held my hand at lunch and when I got home, I knew it was time. I held him the whole way to the vet and when we got there, I knew I had to be back in the room with him. I held him the whole time. When he was gone, I was angry... angry with the vet. With myself. But I knew anger wouldn't bring Sonny back.
He was a good boy. I loved him with all my heart and I still do. I have his collar at home and I plan on getting a memorial tattoo for my grumpy old man. Pets are family members too; losing them can be as hard as losing a human family member.
Rest in peace, Sonny. No longer by my side, but forever in my heart.
