To The Girl Who Lost Touch With What It Means To Feel Loved
The anger, frustration, passion and love that was once unforgettable is now a distant memory.
Everyday is a new battle. "Will I run into him downtown? Will he notice me if I'm not paying attention?" Those are the words that play over and over in my head. Tinder, Bumble, OkCupid; you name it, I've tried it. I can't seem to get the whole "love" thing down and to be honest; I've lost the thought of someone loving me all together.
I used to sit and dream about falling in love and everything falling into place. Now, I sit at home and make dinner for one, put on another sappy love movie and watch knowing that I am getting to the point where I don't remember what it's like to have someone really love you or want you. There was a time where I felt love; oh boy did I feel loved. The kind of love where you want to climb the highest building and tell the entire world about that magic you're feeling because somebody loves you enough to give you their heart and open up their entire world to you. Long gone are those days, it's been two years and I was left lifeless and stone cold from that great love I had. Love is something everyone searches for throughout their life. We long to be loved and admired by someone we feel the same feelings for, but in today's world those feelings are rare.
I am someone who will pour my heart out for others and accept less than what I know I deserve because all I want is someone to find me the least bit worth of being somewhat loved for even a moment. I crave love and I hate that I do, but I do. I want to be loved so bad I break my own heart in the process. Love is more than a feeling of joy, it's safety, power, sadness, anger, frustration, and so much more. I want to feel it all again, I don't remember what it feels like to be so in love with another person that something so little they did can build up so much frustration in your body, or a simple act of kindness can bring tears to your eyes because no one has ever done that for you before. I can't for the life of me remember what it feels like to hold hands with someone while walking around town window shopping for your dream house or what a hug feels like after an earth shattering fight between the two people.
I crave that. I want that. I would give almost anything to feel that. I know people say it comes to you when you least expect it to walk into your life but when exactly is that. Are we ever expecting the next great thing in our lives? I don't see it anymore. We live in a world where hooking up is that closest thing to love we can grab and to me; it leaves me lifeless and depressed. I want to look at another human and know I can trust them with my heart. I want to find someone I can call mine and only mine. Where is the sin in that? Love is dead. Love is a distant memory for me and I would kill to give it another chance. Any girl will sit here and tell you that she wants forever with someone. Rarely will you meet a girl who is wanting to do life on her own and if you're that girl, more power to you. I am in no way dependent on finding a man, I just want someone to share the little things with. Someone to come home to after a long day in the classroom and tell them about how wild my students were and know I don't have to fall asleep in a cold bed alone.
I want to feel the touch of two loving hands around me at 2am when I wake up in a panic because I had a nightmare; I want to walk into the kitchen to see the love of my life making breakfast knowing I don't have to eat alone. Those are the things I can't remember. I can't remember what it's like to feel the love of another person and that terrifies me. What if I never find it, what if it never comes my way. I understand people can find love when they're older but I don't want to wait any longer for it. I don't think I can; I will lose my mind waiting.
"No one will love you until you love yourself." Everyone will tell you this; your mom, dad, grandma's, everyone. But what if I do love myself; what if I am so much I need someone else to step in and help. You can only love yourself so much before you become overwhelmed and need someone to take the load off. You question everything in your life. Should you move so you have a better chance at finding love? Why can't I find my someone, but everyone else seems to find the one. What is so wrong with me that I can't get anything right anymore?
All I want is to remember what love from a significant other feel like; even if it's for a short time. I just want to feel it. I want it to rush over me and take over my heart. I want to be so wrapped up in someone's love that I can't think straight or form a proper sentence. I want to fall so hard I can't get up. Why is it so hard to find that?
