I wonder if you'd be proud of me.
My first thought when I wake up in the morning is whether or not you still think of me. I think about if I am wearing the right outfit if I were to see you that day. I think about if I am saying the right thing for you to want to want me again.
Throughout my day, I think about whether or not you're happy. I wonder if the feeling in my heart of missing who I thought you were is making its way to you. Sometimes I think about what I did to make you hate me as much as you do.
Sometimes when things get really hard, I think about picking up the phone to call you. Time keeps passing from the last time I saw you and during that time I've painted a picture of you that would probably only disappoint me in the end. Your phone number still sits in my phone and I go to your contact, wanting to call, but knowing that at the other end is not the person I used to know.
I wonder if you watch me. I wonder if the posts I make, pictures I post, and articles I write are viewed by you and whether or not you care to even search my name. I wonder if you ask people about me or if you care to know the person I am today.
Without you, I have changed. It has been two years and though time will only continue moving on without you, I wonder what would have happened if I didn't make the choices I made to make you react in the way you have.
When the sun shines bright on the flowers blooming around campus, I think of your jokes and sarcastic wit. When the rain pours from the sky and keeps me imprisoned within the walls of a building, I think of ways I felt imprisoned by you. When clouds form shapes in the sky that I can make stories out of, I think of the way life could've been.
Sometimes I write to you. They are the letters I can never send because I have to remind myself that though we knew each other once, you do not know me anymore. The picture in my mind of who you are now is someone who'd love me with open arms, but I know that there's no truth in that. It's only my wishful thinking out to break my heart once more.
I wonder if you hear me when I try talking to you. I wonder if the words I tell God are making their way to you as you go on living the life we always talked about when times get tough. I wonder if you're talking to God about me.
As I watch the sunset, I think about the last moment I was with you. As that chapter ended, I was only wishfully thinking that walking away would save me from further pain. In the end, I don't know about how life would've been different had it not happened.
When my picture of you gets too bright and I share it with others, I am reminded of reality. The screaming, crying, pushing, shoving, and hitting touches my skin once more in the form of flashbacks that push me further down into the depths of a depression. I am reminded of the hundreds of suicidal thoughts and letters that I've written once before.
No matter what, my heart still yearns for a hug. A hug where I can bury myself into your body and feel safe. A hug where I forget every worry in my mind and focus solely on the love.
I wonder if you'd still love me if I changed myself to be the person you've always wanted me to be. I wonder if you'd forgive me for walking away, even if it was for me to change to be a better person. I wonder if you'll ever even read this.
Days like today, I want to go back in time. I sit on the benches around campus and look up at the sky, down at the cars passing by, and listen to life move on all around me as I remain stuck. I hear people talking, see them laughing, and wonder if there's any way I could one day feel as alive as they do.
The truth is that I was never enough for you. No matter how much I changed, kept notes of what you liked so I could be like that, or just kept my head down and moved silently, nothing was ever enough.
No matter what, though, I still yearn to be loved in the way that I picture you should've loved me. Closure does not exist. You were the ones who were supposed to hold me down. But now I am nothing to you...I was always nothing to you.
Beware: Invisible Disability Causes Hazard When Taking the Stairs
The hurtful comments are heard and you look inconsiderate to those of us living with an invisible disability.
Sometimes those of us who have physical disabilities get upset when we have to be excluded from fun things such as family holiday games, keeping up pace with friends at the gym, or tolerating the heat of July mixed with the noise of fireworks on the 4th. Knowing there are some things in life you just aren't able to do, or misery will prevail if you choose to do them, really freaking sucks. At 19 years old, it makes you wonder what some of the bigger steps in life will look like. However, I do know I can't take the steps and the elevator is the safest option currently.
You might see it as laziness for not going up one flight of stairs, while I know it's saving my body from collapsing. Five years of living with a collapsed iliac leg vein, intractable migraine, daily persistent headaches, Ehlers Daniels Syndrome (EDS), neuropathy in my hands and feet, Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome (POTS), and immense brain fog is REALLY challenging. It's not only physically draining, but mentally as well. This is especially true as a full time college student living out of state. So at the end of a long day or in the morning right after I've gotten out of bed, stairs are really dangerous.
I've missed steps and fallen forward down compete flights of stairs. The danger in that is EDS equals loose connective muscle causes for a looseness in joints; this leads for them to easily pop out of the socket. I have the vascular version so I bruise extremely easily. Simply bumping into the counter will leave a huge bruise, never mind tripping up a few steps. With POTS, I get dizzy and blackout frequently. If I'm going to fall, I'd prefer it not to be down a flight of stairs on a rough surface. I already have major issues with migraine pain; the goal is no concussions meaning not increasing chronic migraine pain.
So you can think one flight of stairs is nothing and you are able to think that. However, I guarantee that to a person with an invisible disability, stairs are everything. They are the difference between a surgery and no surgery. They are the difference between life long injuries and continuing on with our current battle. They are the difference between exasperated pain and making it where we have to be while staying at our current pain level.
Elevators are lifesavers. They are a simple solution for those of us unable to take the stairs; that's why we have first right to them. If you've never noticed, there's little signs outside most elevators stating that. On the downside, they lead to cruelty from careless strangers; the quiet comments you just can't shake. The comments are an inconsiderate method of being ignorant, while choosing to pass up a learning opportunity.
Invisible Disabilities are everywhere. Use your ability of kindness we all have to be more understanding and willing to give people the benefit of the doubt. Remember that just because you cannot see something doesn't mean it's not there or isn't happening. So beware of your gift; challenge yourself to be the one to take the stairs.