To The Boy Who Broke Me, I Don't Forgive You And I'm Not Sorry About It
I will remember and recover, not forgive and forget.
We are taught to forgive and forget, and if we can't forget, to at least forgive. But In my experience, being forgiving doesn't get you very far…
At the time being forgiving was the easiest thing to do. It was convenient. My mindset was "Yes, you hurt me. But not being by your side would hurt worse." So I forgave you and tried desperately to forget. This behavior and mindset became a pattern, which you took advantage of. It became a pattern of heartbreak and forgiveness.
It turned out, the most painful part of it all wasn't leaving you, but realizing that you took advantage of my forgiveness, you took advantage of my heart. It took me way too long to cut you out of my life, and honestly, I'm so glad I finally did. Because now, I can begin to forgive myself.
Along with the pattern I allowed you to create, I have created a pattern of blaming myself. I blame myself for being so patient with you when you didn't deserve it. I blame myself for following my heart, knowing I've been given a forgiving one. And I blame myself for allowing you to make me lose sight of myself. But unlike you, I deserve forgiveness.
I don't forgive you for the pain you caused me during our relationship, and I don't forgive you for the pain that I still have to deal with to this day because of your actions. I don't forgive you for the problems that you created during our relationship, and I don't forgive you for the problems that you cause In my current relationship. Because of you, I can't trust myself, I now question my judgment and doubt the people around me.
You put me in an unforgivable situation. One where I have to learn to trust myself again, a situation where I have to forgive myself, and my heart.
The next steps to forgiving myself won't start or end with forgiving you for your actions or even forgetting all about you. The next steps to recovery start with me remembering how you treated me and what you put me through, and never allowing myself to deal with that again. I will learn to trust others and myself again. "I will remember and recover, not forgive and forget."
