Your 'Super' Bowl LIII Recap, As Written By An Eagles Fan
The Patriots beat the Rams 13-3, in what was a super boring game.
Sorry, Rams fans. JARED GOFF AND SEAN MCVAY ARE FRAUDS.
On football's most important stage, Goff and the league's 2nd leading scoring offense (32.9 points a game) scored only a MEASLY 3 points; all thanks to Greg Zuerlein, who later missed an inconsequential field goal where the Rams should've just taken a knee to end their misery. Sean McVay, the offensive wunderkind who has been the prototype for new coaching hires around the league, was embarrassingly outcoached Sunday night, albeit by one of the greatest coaches to ever grace the sport. A Rams offense that had been so dynamic all season looked like a Pop Warner team against less potent iteration of a Patriots squad than those in years prior.
That having been said, I think the Rams defense played incredibly well. Their fearsome front four terrorized the Patriots' offensive line for most of the night, and the defense managed to hold Tom Brady and the offense to only 13 points.
Usually, when you hold a team, especially the Patriots, to 13 points, you expect to win.
Not when your offense plays that poorly.
To be fair, the defense wasn't immaculate either. Julian Edelman was open on damn near every play, and the secondary was very suspect at times. Marcus Peters, who had some good plays, can't even keep up with his own shadow. But that's about as good as a job you can do against the Patriots, and the defense played like they belonged there.
3.
POINTS.
Hate to keep repeating myself, but the Rams offense scored 3 POINTS.
Jared Goff played terribly. He looked like a deer in the headlights behind the supposed "league's best offensive line." Almost every time his first read was covered, he would make a terrible throw or take a bad sack. A late throw to the endzone to a wide-open Brandin Cooks that allowed Patriots safety Jason McCourty to break up the play and a terrible interception on the team's best drive of the night were the final nails in the coffin of the Rams season. Sean McVay's play calling was well under his own standards, with a stagnant running game and an inability to get any sort of momentum going until well into the fourth quarter. Todd Gurley's disappearing act was somehow less puzzling than the utter collapse the offense suffered that night.
The Patriots defense was stellar, but as a team, they were the most beatable they've been in years. Tom Brady played a lot more mortal than his usual Thanos-like self, and the only other standout player in their offense was eventual Super Bowl MVP Julian Edelman. This was the Rams game to lose, and boy did they do that. In the end, they were the latest victims to Belichick and Brady's dynastic Pats.
If you thought the game was bad, you were probably disappointed that not even the commercials and halftime show were able to save that snoozefest. Here are some thoughts on both of the "extracurricular" components.
Commercials:
- There were weirdly a lot of commercials with robots in them. It was pretty unsettling.
- You would think that the duo of Steve Carrell and Cardi B could save any commercial. You would be wrong.
- Hobbes and Shaw look incredible and I'm definitely watching it.
- The Chance the Rapper Doritos commercial… *sigh*.
- Zoe Kravitz could sell me Fyre Festival tickets and I'd buy 10 of 'em.
- That Xbox commercial made me ask my friends which one of them was chopping onions.
- AVENGERS!!
Halftime Show:
- Maroon 5 has some undeniable songs, but who in 2019 is itching for them to show up?
- As a Gen Z'er, I was disappointed that the Spongebob tribute was only like 5 seconds long.
- "Sweet Victory" on repeat would've made for a much better halftime show.
- Travis showing up to do Sicko Mode just made me think about how much I'd rather have him be the main act than goddamn Maroon 5.
- They missed a great opportunity for an Outkast reunion.
- This was honestly just as bad as Justin Timberlake was last year.
Well, that's pretty much it. Congrats to both teams for their seasons and on making it to the championship, the game sucked but at least you both tried. Regardless of how Los Angeles played, I think they have a bright future ahead of them with a young coach/quarterback duo that has already accomplished so much in such little time in the league. The Patriots have shown that even when they are at their weakest, they'll still kick everyone's ass. And to the Saints, stop crying. It's getting embarrassing.
WAY TOO EARLY SUPER BOWL LIV PREDICTION: Chiefs vs. Eagles
(I may be slightly biased.)
