If You've Slipped Back Into Self-Harm During COVID-19, I Understand And I See You
You matter and you deserve to feel your best.
Content warning: article discusses self-harm and may be triggering for some individuals.
Quarantining is difficult. We are not the same people we used to be before we started all of this. The act of keeping a physical social distance from our friends and family has affected our ability to distance ourselves emotionally from others. If we ask anyone walking by about what quarantining has been like for their mental health, many would reply that they have struggled.
There are also some of us who have started relapsing on some unhealthy habits that were kept hidden away deep inside our drawers. One of mine is cutting. Cutting is one of those things that tend to creep back on a person when they feel like everything is going fine. But little do we know that the monotone "fine" is not exactly a good sign.
I have never cut before in my life. I have heard stories from friends and people at care facilities who have struggled with self-harm. I am also a hemophobic, meaning I am scared of blood. But I happened to be even more scared of the quarantine and the unanimous situation we all find ourselves in at the moment.
I never wanted to cut. I thought that maybe one day, things would get better and brighter. But that mentality became a long-standing wish once I found myself in quarantine. As an extrovert who has clinical depression, it is crippling to not have a social life and be with people. Being able to spend time with people in person is like water to the flowers. Every time I get to bond with people over a meal or a hangout helps the petals of the flowers in my garden form. I still reminisce greatly on the days when I was able to enjoy the fresh air, without feeling a mask over my face or how nice it felt to be at a friend's place, binge-watching movies together without having to social distance six feet apart.
To those who have also self-harmed during quarantine, you are not alone.
I may not know you or be there to hear you out, but I know exactly how you must feel. Although we have different reasons for self-harming, we have the same purpose for doing so — to wash away the pain. We hope to feel refreshed and alive again. We hope that this will take away the pain we feel inside.
But it doesn't.
It only makes things more out of control. Every time we self-harm/cut, we are also cutting off a piece of ourselves. Whether we like ourselves or not, that is not the issue here. As we physically engage in cutting, we also emotionally engage in cutting off a piece of identity that we may have had since birth. Whether it is a birthday party that helped us get over the fear of swimming and therefore, made us an athlete, or an art fair, that helped us realize our talent in painting, we strip ourselves of those bits and pieces that helped make us who we are.
So to anyone who has self-harmed themselves during quarantine, you matter.
If you or someone you know needs help with substance abuse or mental health issues, call 800-662-HELP (4357) for the SAMHSA National Helpline.
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To The Man Who Told Me 'Horizontal Is For Attention, Vertical Is For Results'
What I want you to know? Your words hurt.
A few weeks ago, I was in casual conversation with another student at UD who I've known since I've been on campus. I usually don't read into many things they say because I know how much they overdo it. But then they chose to say: "Wow, maybe I should just cut and kill myself and then I'd have an excuse."
Your reaction is also mine...excuse my language, but what in the actual fuck does one say to that? I, for one, said nothing at all. I used my ~skills~ and just walked away entirely from the conversation. I felt in that moment more misunderstood and ignored than I have in awhile.
Those who self-harm, in my own personal opinion, do not want to be doing this for the rest of their lives. They don't want to have to hide scars and worry about people saying something about the ones that they just can't hide anymore. They don't want to have to worry about warm weather coming soon and where they can harm themselves during the warm months.
Self-harm is a scary part of life.
But then, you came along again. I was minding my own business, living my own life with obvious scars on my body from the times where the demons won against my mind. There are hundreds of them. Hundreds of reminders of the battles I have lost and will never win.
When you walked up to me with a group of your friends and told me, "Horizontal is for attention, vertical is for results," my heart sunk to the bottom of my being and I was in shock at what I had heard. My face immediately turned red and I left before you said anything else.
I remember the first time I heard someone say that to me. I was waiting to speak with my high school teacher after school one afternoon while he was talking with another older student. They were joking about the "cut for Bieber" situation that had just happened around 6 months earlier.
They both looked at each other and then looked at me and said "Remember, horizontal is for attention, vertical is for results."
What I want you to know? Your words hurt. To be in enough pain to cause that kind of hurt to oneself is heart wrenching. And nothing, not even a single time one picks up the blade, is ever for attention.
But let me also say this: if it IS for attention, that's ok too. Because to be so alone, hurt, and ignored to want to cut yourself to get someone else to see your pain is something worth speaking about, too. There's no valid or right reason for self-harm and no one reason is greater than another.
I do not do this because it's something that I want to live with. I do not do this because I want to have to worry about my 4 year old cousin asking me about the cuts or because I want people to stare at me during class like they do. I do not do this to have to worry and google "how to heal an infected wound" at 2 in the morning.
I do this because I am hurting so bad all the time and I feel like I can't tell anyone. I do this because my emotional pain is so great that I have to make it physical so that people can believe me.
Telling someone who's already in a sensitive place that "vertical is for results" and "horizontal is for attention" is only ignorance. It could be that one comment that pushes someone over the edge.
I am aware that those who care about me feel hurt or upset when I come around with new scars and open wounds. I am aware that the impact of the scar is not just on me, but on those around me. I am aware of many things but I don't need you to tell me about how I should act or conduct myself with an issue as serious as this.
Be mindful. Be aware of how your words can impact someone else around you. Learn about things that may make you uncomfortable.
To the man who told me these things, you hurt me. You still hurt me. But maybe someday you'll learn so that others won't have to deal with the impact of your ignorance.