The Truth Is My Depression Won't Let Me Not Feel Ashamed For Talking About My Mental Health
I don't know what regular sadness feels like.
I don't discuss the state of my mental health with people. Not really.
A few months ago as I was heading out the door, I mentioned to one of my roommates that I needed to pick up a prescription. "What kind of prescription?" she asked.
"Medication. Antidepressants," I said.
"Oh. I didn't know you took antidepressants."
"Yeah." I dragged out the word in an excessive amount of syllables to avoid an awkward silence and to fill empty space in the air. I left the room and shut the door behind me.
I can think of about four people in my life, outside of a therapist and a psychiatrist, who I am comfortable talking with about my mental health. Only one of these people I am willing to go in depth with.
I don't like talking about my mental health.
Talking about it reminds me that my brain is abnormal, that I am abnormal. It reminds me that I have to take pills to feel happy, to feel some kind of normal. It reminds me that without pills, I feel nothing. It makes me feel ashamed. It makes me feel weak. I want to be strong, but how I can I be when every breath inside my body is shaped by sadness?
Abnormality inside my body where I can't see it is something I want to forget.
One time, a friend came over to my dorm to visit. I had recently bought a light therapy lamp and I began explaining to my friend the logistics: it's meant to emulate light from the sun, you're supposed to sit within 15 inches of it 30 minutes per day.
"Why don't you just go outside and sit in the sun for 30 minutes?" he said.
If the solution were that easy, I would. He suffered from depression, so I thought he would understand. Maybe he did. Maybe he didn't. Maybe his mind was molded to not care. I shut my mouth after that.
The dark shadows caressing my brain are uninvited guests. They stole the life from my party.
I will have to spend the rest of my life running away from depression. I've heard a girl say, "Your mental illness doesn't make you weak. It makes you stronger because you've survived every bad day and you're still here." It's difficult to believe that when I'm running a marathon I can never win.
Some people, like Youtubers, are open and willing to talk about their mental health.
If that helps them feel better, that's great for them. I will never be able to fit into their crowd.
This Is Your Life, Why Care About Others Gossiping?
Don't you get tired of the fake rumors around you?
We are living in a society where people like to judge each other. Some people have a good intention, but some have the purpose of drowning others to lift themselves up. In the midst of this life, you only live your life and don't mind too much about the comments, judgments, and hatreds.
When it comes to love, you often get words like: "Why do you love that person?" "How can you date someone like that?" or "Do you have enough people to love?"
In fact, the choice is always yours, you can have a right or wrong relationship, this is not foreseeable. So, if you have a strong and firm feeling on someone, just do it even if people say something. As long as you feel happy, that person sincerely treats you, you wholeheartedly love him or her, and your love has no effect on social morals, it's totally fine.
Ignore all the gossips and don't let it affect your feelings.
This does not mean that you love blindly or without reason, but that you believe in the love you have chosen. Even if the relationship ended up badly later, do not be sad or regretful that in the past you did not listen to everyone, because at least you were happy with your life, at that moment.
Not just love, it is easy for someone to judge you, from every aspect of life. It can be your studying, the way you live, your personality, your voice, your appearance... But all that rumors or judgments cannot tell who you really are.
There is more than one tattoo on your body, you might have a strong personality, and this is fine. It doesn't mean that you are a naughty, careless, and fearful person. Each tattoo for each person has a different meaning. Because you do not understand the meaning of the tattoo, don't evaluate that person to be swearing. My roommate has three tattoos of the birthday of her father, her mother and her brother, as she is an international student and she is always far from home. Those tattoos are important to her, and I can tell what a lovely girl she is.
Each person has a different perspective, a way of life, a style, so don't impose your personal thoughts on a completely different person.
In this life, you just need to be yourself, do the things you like and don't need to be afraid or worry about the gossips and comments around. We can do what we love, as long as it doesn't affect the people around us. Know how to choose the right advice to improve and ignore the comments that are only meant to offend, your life will become much more fun, comfortable and simple.