DC Comics are known for having some hardcore heroes. I’m sure most of us have at least heard names like Batman, Superman, and Wonder Woman, but DC hasn’t always had the best of luck when it comes to making family friendly, popular heroes. Have you ever heard of the military term “section 8”? Section 8 is a category of discharge for the US military, used for a service member mentally unfit for service. In 1997, DC Comics writer Garth Ennis built himself a team of heroes whose mental capacities were questionable at best. This team was aptly named Section 8. Some of the member included a man that welded dead dogs to peoples faces, a man who through people through a window that he carried around, and a literal pile of guts. Where Ennis came up with the idea for his supposed heroes, I will never know. All I know is that I feel absolutely terrible for Batman, as Section 8 was based in his home city of Gotham. These characters are a horrifying mix of racist, stereotypical, and just straight up sadistic. I’m not entirely sure they should be classified as heroes, let alone allowed to wander around “fighting crime”.

1. SixPack

Sixpack is the drunken leader of Section 8. Not only is he drunk, but he is delusional as well. Most of Sixpack’s “heroic” encounters are alcohol induced delusions, and I hope you don’t plan on telling him so. Sixpack gets extremely upset whenever anyone tells him the truth about his super deeds. Sixpack’s preferred means of combat is beating villains with broken liquor bottles. He is also a regular at Noonan’s Sleazy Bar (yes, that’s the actual full title). The bar is also the workplace of Baytor, but you’ll hear more on him later. Sixpack’s greatest “accomplishment” is probably the defeat, and I use that term very loosely, of a group of demons known as the Many Angled Ones. They were so amused by him that they agreed to leave Earth alone if he came back to their dimension and fought them there. I guess he somehow one that battle, as he returns in a later issue to try and rebuild Section 8.

2. Bueno Excellente

Bueno Excellente is, in my opinion, the absolute worst creature known to man. Even worse than someone known only as Dogwelder and a literal demon from Hell. Bueno Excellente is described as a sweaty, bald, obese, Latino man who wears nothing but a trenchcoat and speedo. He defeats evil with the “power of perversion” and the only words he seems to speak are “bueno” and “excellente” preceded by a creepy chuckle. To the surprise of literally no human being ever, it was revealed that Bueno Excellente had a career in porn. This guy probably does not belong on a list of superheroes, but he definitely belongs on a sex offender registry. It was actually mentioned in passing that he date raped Kyle Rayner (Green Lantern) after drugging his drink. It was only mentioned the one time because Rayner has no recollection of the event. Hilariously enough, Bueno Excellente fake-married a drugged villain with the intentions of blackmailing him later… and it worked! He is also ACTUALLY married to Guts. More on her later.

3. The Defenestrator

If you didn’t know this before, defenestration is the action of throwing someone or something out of a window. That is his entire thing. He throws villains, and sometimes cops, through a window that he carries around with him. He was actually thrown in Arkham Asylum for a time for defenestrating cops. He is a man of few words, not much is heard from him. His look is actually based off of Arnold Schwarzenegger in Terminator II. That is really all you need to know about him.

4. Dogwelder

How do I even begin to summarize Dogwelder? His description starts of fairly calm. He’s a thin, silent type, and that is where his normality ends. You should take Dogwelder’s name very literally. He hides in the alleys around the city trapping and killing dogs that he then spot welds to the faces of evil-doers. Unsurprisingly, he is psychotic and schizophrenic.

5. Friendly Fire

Friendly Fire is probably one of the only members of Section 8 that I would describe as “super”. He has the ability to shoot energy from his hand… not that he knows how to do so properly. FF probably couldn’t hit the broad side of a skyscraper if he were directly in front of it and had absolutely zero outside interference. In fact, he is so terrible at using his powers that he is more likely to hit his own teammate than an enemy. He is the most defeatist of the team and even goes so far as to call out Sixpack on his delusions. FF’s reign of terror ended when he accidentally blew his own head off, killing the Defenestrator in the process, while trying his hardest to actually hit an enemy for once.

6. Jean de Baton-Baton

Jean de Baton-Baton is the absolute epitome of French stereotypes. He wears a red-striped shirt and a beret and has a necklace of garlic that he sometimes uses to blind people. His favorite weapon is his overly large baguette that he uses to beat people. Somehow, this guy has no mental illnesses.

7. Flemgem

Flemgem’s powers are exactly what they seem like they should be… he throws globs of mucus at people. He is described as sickly, thin, and bald and sports a green suit with a purple mask. His “powers” are used to blind, suffocate, or simply disgust his enemies.

8. Shakes

Shakes is kind of offensive. What Section 8 refers to as powers are actually just tourettes and Parkinson’s disease. He also has a severe speech impediment that leaves him pretty much impossible to understand. As if he didn’t have enough crap going for him, he is the most common accidental target of Friendly Fire. To top it all off, he is probably schizophrenic, although you’d probably have to have some sort of mental illness to agree to join this insane team.

9.Guts

Guts, as mentioned earlier, is the wife of Bueno Excellente. Sadly enough, that isn’t the weirdest thing about her. She is also, as her name implies, a literal pile of guts; just intestines and a heart. I’m not entirely sure how they know she is female or how she talks, but we’re gonna roll with it. Nothing is actually known of her backstory before joining Section 8, but I’m not entirely upset about that fact. One thing we do know of her is that there is a sentient tapeworm living in her. His name is Sir Percival Orifice, Tape of the Wyrm. I’m not certain who had the idea of bringing a pile of intestines to life, but they definitely have an interesting, if not terrifying, mind.

10. The Grapplah

The Grapplah is a tall, thin man in a gray suit with a grappling hook and guns. He is referred to as “an annoying tool who won’t shut his mouth,” and that is all I could find on him.

11. Baytor

Baytor’s story is fairly simple. Baytor is a demon from Hell and is the Lord of Insanity. It’s definitely a very fitting title for a member of Section 8. He left Hell to become a bartender at Noonan’s Sleazy Bar, the favorite drinking spot of Sixpack. His favorite thing to shout is “I am Baytor!”

12. Powertool

Powertool is probably the most normal of the bunch. He’s a rational, construction themed vigilante with a drill in his helmet. If you google him, the only thing you’ll find is a single sentence that says, “Wannabe member of Section 8 with a drill in his hat.” That’s it. Nothing else.

13. Dogwelder II

As if the world didn’t have enough after the first Dogwelder died. After his death, Dogwelder’s suit and equipment was sold off at a pawn shop. Unfortunately for the man that bought it, he was possessed by the suit and became the new Dogwelder. Boy would I hate to be that guy.

As you can see, Section 8 is definitely an interesting, for lack of a better term, bunch of characters. They are an odd mix of racist, stereotypical, terrifying, and mentally disabled. I pity any villain in Gotham that comes across these guys in a dark alleyway. Because that is probably the only place you will come across them, other than a bar of course. If you ever feel like reading some intriguing literature, Section 8 probably isn’t for you. However, if you want to laugh your ass off at some terribly written, extremely horrifying caricatures, go for it!