It’s a cold day in the global-warming defying, winter wonderland that we call Oxford, Miss. You’ve just plied your eyelids open, only to discover that it is below freezing, yet again. For the third month in a row. Make that four. Or five. But who’s counting? Obviously not you, because you don’t know how to count. At least that’s what Blackboard said yesterday. As if matters could get any worse, the one week hangover that is spring break is officially over and all of your lack of memories seem to float away as the week goes on. Yes, here we are, in the depression that is the second half of spring semester.

This is the depression otherwise known as the best partying time of the year! But seriously, you did just get an email that informed you that your midterm grades are available. Since when have we been in school long enough to have midterms? Wasn’t it just Christmas yesterday? Who remembers New Year passing? Oh, but it’s gone. And in its place has come that bright, blaring email with your future written all over it. You squint your eyes, hover your mouse over the link and dare to log onto your myOleMiss. You say a silent prayer to Sweet Baby Jesus that he had some mercy on you and understood all of your stress that you just had to take out on Round Table during midterms and, therefore, had little to no time to study. You open your eyes. NOPE. Sweet Baby Jesus had anything but mercy on you and your report card.

You start to sweat. You see your bright future dim faster than a high school bonfire when the cops show up. How are you going to hide this from your parents? Oh, but they already found out. You look down to a text from Dad saying, “We need to talk”. You say a quick prayer, thanking God that spring break is already over and, therefore, your parents have little method for punishment now. Except for cutting you off, which is highly likely as you stare at the D next to BISC 160 that might as well be a scarlet letter around your neck. Luckily for you, you are smart enough to be readingThe Odyssey, and you are smart enough to be reading my article with a few helpful tips on how to get your grades up before the horrendous span of time known as finals week.

Option 1: Stop skipping class.

“Ugh, but you don’t know how hard it is to get up for my Thursday 8 a.m. after Wine Wednesday,” you cry. I know, I know. Class is such a buzzkill when you’re just trying to get your 2 for 1 on. Not.

Newsflash, homie, You signed up for your 8 a.m. Not your mom, not your friends and definitely not the Rooster’s bartender. Therefore you need to take responsibility and drag your messy bun out of bed and all of the way to Bryant. You can do it. Also, if your grades are slacking there is almost a 100 percent chance that you have been missing class. Every teacher begins the year with an annoying spiel about how grades are connected to attendance, but unfortunately they are right. Don’t believe me? Check your grades, then check your absences. Then stop reading this and head to the 9:30 that you are currently skipping.

Option 2: Contact your teachers.

I know, what am I, your grandma?! But honestly, teachers respond to students who genuinely seem like they want to pull up their grades. Suddenly, the teacher who still doesn’t know your name in a 10 person class is conjuring up imaginary extra credit opportunities faster than Hermione Granger.

Option 3: Actually study.

What is this, 1921? People actually study these days? Shockingly, yes. And you can, too. If all other options have failed, you are clearly only left with this one. Hit the library for longer than the 20 minutes it takes to stand in the Starbucks line and find a quiet table on the third floor to put in some good quality study hours. Who knows, you might even learn something new!

For more tips and tricks on how to become smart and succeed in life, promptly close the newspaper and do not take any advice from your college friends. Instead, dial up your friendly neighborhood grandma or get your hands on Brad Pitt’s number. Either, or. And, remember, if all else fails, Steve Jobs, Bill Gates and Mark Zuckerberg all dropped out of college. So that’s fine.