Nobody would be able to guess when they first meet me, but I am a closet gamer. I am a social, cute, sorority girl, I can nerd out like nobody would believe. Ever since I was a little girl, I have always enjoyed winning. I have always been such a sore loser that I don't like anyone to be able to beat me at anything. When I was very little, I liked to play games like "Roller Coaster Tycoon 2" or "The Sims" on my family's desktop computer, but as my younger brother and I grew up, I started taking an interest in other games that he would play on the Playstation or Xbox.
Playing games like "Mario Kart", "Super Smash Bros", "Call of Duty", "Fortnite", has always been a way for me and my brother to bond and spend time with each other. Since it was just my brother Mason and I, along with our parents, growing up we spent a lot of time together and ended up taking interest in the same activities. I would play "Call of Duty Black Ops" zombies with him, and he would watch "Desperate Housewives", "Gossip Girl", "Pretty Little Liars", and any other teenage girl show with me. Ourselves and our parents never confined us to traditional gender roles, and it was never natural to stay confined to our societal gender roles, since my brother and I always wanted to have activities to do together.
After spending so much time playing his games, I started to really despise the fact that he was so much better than me. That's when my natural instinct not to be bad at anything started to kick in. I was the older sister! I can't have my younger brother be beating me at these game! You know how annoying little brothers can be! I spent hours and days and even years practicing playing these games so that Mason wouldn't be able to brag about how good he was to me. Along the way, I started to realize that I maybe was actually starting to enjoy video games, and I had become really good at them.
By playing games like "Call of Duty" or "Fortnite", I recognize that that doesn't make me a true "gamer", however, playing these popular games really allow me to disconnect from other things going on in my life and give me an opportunity to just win. Every time I would win (and yes I really do get "Fortnite dubs") or get kills, it helped give me a sense that I had control over things. To me, I find it stress relieving to go online and kill some people, and it reminds me that I am a powerful person, and that everything is going to be okay.
After spending so much time back at home this summer, I had time to reconnect with my brother and our normal activities. The I got home from my freshman year of college, he was so excited to teach me how to play Fortnite so we could play together. He got me so hooked that by the time summer was over, I wasn't ready to leave it just yet. I took our old Xbox back to school with me and hooked it up to my TV in my bedroom. I only play it when I'm very, very bored or have no work to be doing, but every once and a while it feels good to play duos with Mason while we talk on the phone, and I feel like I am back at the safe space of home.