God has blessed me in many, many ways. I truly believe that. And right now God is blessing me and pushing me to grow through a period of singleness. And it sucks and I don't like it honestly. I prefer to be in a relationship. I like having that person to do things with, to be close to, to give to, to be cute with. I know this about myself and it's so easy for me to convince myself I am ok and ready to move onto the next boy and just have a string of boys.I think this is a problem with females in general; I see it in my friends, on social media, and in the headlines. It is as if as a culture of females we are driven to constantly be on the search for this perfect male, regardless of the mess all the imperfect ones leave inside us.
Starting at the beginning of summer though I felt God working on my heart. I felt like He was telling me I needed to stop lying to myself, to stop running, to face my biggest fear-- being alone. You see I am so scared to be broken and then to be so broken that I end up alone. So I run and run and run and run away from all the insecurities and hurt that bad relationships have left me with. I've run straight into the next mans arms many times. So, with the help of people who love me and see my worth and need to stop running I did. I stopped and faced the music and all the whispers in my head. I dealt with the crap and baggage and openings left by all the wrong men that I let cross too many boundaries. I looked for God. My fear in being alone, and really in so many of the women I know, is that we subconsciously look for a man to fill the parts God is supposed to fill. Furthermore, we feel like unless we have the ideal relationship we have not met societies idea of perfection and therefore feel like something is missing from the picture of our lives on Facebook and instagram. By finally genuinely just trying to look for God's will in my life, I looked for myself. I remembered to love. I remembered what it is like to want to go out of my way for people. See, I had been so hurt for so long it's like I stopped caring for and unselfishly loving anyone else, because I was so concerned about keeping my heart safe but really I was still giving it away in all the wrong ways.
I feel like I've found my way back to myself though long talks, songs, words I've written, and inspirational Pinterest quotes. I've remembered my worth. How much I am worth and that any male pursuing me should see that. I really do hate being single. And still now I'm not actively looking- just trusting God he will bring the right guy in at the right time. But I cannot express the joy and peace I have found in my singleness. I am excited about what the future holds. I feel like I can go into a relationship with hope. Not with the closed minded attitude I had of assuming the worst and being hurt. I feel like I have gathered and strengthened myself to a point that I can fall for someone in all the ways I am meant to without giving them the parts that are just mine and God's. I still hope that I find someone, hopefully sooner rather than later if I'm being honest, and I keep my eyes and heart open. But at the same time I am content. I am content with where I am and who I am. I find joy. I love my friends and family and school and just life and it is filled with what I choose and therefore it is filled with things I love. And I feel so strong in being able to enjoy where I am at now, to not be seeking that attention from guys. To be perfectly happy with just me. And I wish it for every other single person out there.
