I'm a Christian. I'm a Christian with a sense of humor. A sometimes salty sense of humor.

Anyway, I'm about to throw all sorts of shade and write an idiot's guide to the Christian denominations.

These are in good fun, I'm not trying to actually offend or make too deep a statement.

Basically, don't get your knickers in a twist. And without further ado...

SHEA SAVAGE'S GUIDE TO THE DENOMINATIONS:

0. Mainline:

Doesn't count.

Just a social club whose hot tubs are kept steamy with hellfire.

1. Coptic Christians:

"Hey guys, we exist, remember?"

Are too busy being persecuted to throw potlucks.

2. Orthodox:

Basically Catholics, but don't tell them that.

Here's the church, here's the dome... darn it now the rhyme doesn't work.

3. Catholics:

Popes may range from literal dictators to literal teddy bears.

Their candles dominate the shelves of thrift stores.

4. Anglicans:

The Catholics of Protestants.

Likely cater their services with bangers and mash.

5. Episcopalians:

Missing the point of the idea of "Church of England."

The hip young old guys of the Christian faith.

6. Lutherans:

For if Presbyterians aren't dry and intense enough for you.

Still bitter about the Council of Trent.

7. Presbyterians:

Usually pretty correct, but need to get over themselves.

Some of them probably aren't mean.

8. Methodists:

Kinda like free will Presbyterians.

Sorta went off the deep end in the early 20th century

9. Baptists:

The wonderbread of the American church.

In certain states are officially considered foliage.

10. Reformed Southern Baptists:

Like their chicken fried in brimstone.

Mistake the Great Commission for "Go into all the world and prove other Christians wrong."

11. Pentecostals:

Think Acts 2 was written in LA in 1906.

At least their music is catchy.

12. Charismatics:

Have been known to mistake "Electric Feel" by MGMT for worship music.

Don't realize that gold dust can be wood, hay and stubble.

13. Black churches:

Doesn't really matter the denomination, Black churches ARE their own denomination.

May leave visitors more physically fed than spiritually fed.

14. Amish:

I mean, they don't really bother anyone.

Think the Promised Land and New Jerusalem are both in Pennsylvania.

15. Mennonites:

"STOP CALLING US AMISH!"

Will fight you over how pacifistic they are.

16. Calvary Chapel:

Need to just admit they're a denomination already.

Weirdly big fans of John MacArthur for Charismatic Arminians.

17. Non-denom:

Either Baptist-lite or Charismatic-lite.

Popularized projector screens as an evangelism tool.

HOPE YOU ENJOY!

And that I don't accidentally cause another Great Schism.