The time has come where I have to start mentally preparing myself to pack my things and head back home to the U.S.
I have just under one month left in Morocco and I am already having nightmares that I am in America and not here. The past three months have been a huge challenge, but I wouldn't change a thing. It's so hard because everyone is so excited for me to come home but I feel like I am home, and I don't understand why I have to leave.
During my time here, I have really learned a lot about myself. I have spread myself too thin and tried to do more than I could handle. I have definitely become a jack of all trades and master of none. This stress to be good at so many things has kept my emotions all over the place. I have made myself physically sick and missed so many days of classes which only makes me more stressed.
This is nothing new to me as I am always spreading myself too thin but I never realized how great this cost is. I have missed out on so many experiences and failed to do so many things I wanted to because I am either worrying about all the assignments I have or doing all of the assignments.
This has taught me a huge lesson though. I learned that my American ideas of working all the time to be the best do not line up with the Moroccan ideas of simply enjoying life.
I thought I was starting to hate Morocco and it wasn't for me. I was ready to come home. I was sick of being in my room studying all the time. But it wasn't Morocco that didn't fit who I am, it was this idea of success at the cost of my personal well-being. I forgot what it was like to cook with my family, read a book on the beach, play golf, and just relax.
The problem was, I told myself I can't do these things because I am not in America and it is too hard. But I went to the beach for a long weekend which I am calling my "spring break" and despite the awful weather and food poisoning, it was nice to take a break.
I haven't been able to go to the beach and enjoy a spring break in years. I decided to try to make some American dishes and even though it took more planning, it was so worth it to eat something that tasted like home. This is the thing, the only things that confine us are our thoughts. If we think we can't do something, then we will surely fail.
Now, I have to start thinking about my future and boy is it coming at me quick. I am hoping to graduate in December 2020. This is a nice thought until I realize I will be taking four classes in six weeks starting 24 hours after I return to the US.
I will then have three more full semesters left at USC before I am done. This is so exciting except I lay awake at 2 in the morning thinking where I will intern next summer because I have to intern in the city that I want to work in.
I also started thinking, am I going to be a good accountant? Do I even understand accounting? What if I fail my 400 level classes and have to choose a new major? These fears of my future eat away at me and ruin my present.
So, now I challenge myself to do the things I wanted to do during my four months in the next four weeks. I hope to take all the pictures and videos I wanted. I hope to soak up every last second with my professors. I want to spend as many moments with my boyfriend before we are an ocean apart again.
I want to make as many memories with my friends and host family as I possibly can before leaving them. Life is so short and I just wish I could stop worrying about my resume and focus more on my life.