I Hate Research.

Every time I think of an article, I always have an idea that I need to find more information on. But then I would think of the idea immediately on the day my article is due and, then, I have little time to do research. Even I do decide to research, I will type up a term and will spend more hours finding the thing I need but little hours actually writing my article. Researching or, looking things up, is, indeed, a tiring task. Type a term, and pray that an article talks about this exact term. And when it doesn't, you have to continue to keep learning. Eventually, you might have to make a new topic altogether.

This frustration is apparent in all of my research paper project, especially in my project for my seminar in International Relations and Comparative Politics.

On June, I thought of a research topic: the Right to Work in Iraq's constitution and how it correlates to neo-liberalism. When I emailed my professor about my topic, he said that it was a blessing that I have thought about it so early. But, then, he told me something that I have always dreaded to hear in my academic career, or really, my whole life.

"You should be more clear."

I hated this sentence. It tells me that I am not understood. And to be frank, I have thought of this topic on my bed in the middle of watching dumb YouTubers doing dumb YouTuber things. His reaction tells me that I need to research and afterward explain. The problem is, though, I have nothing to turn, too. I type "right to work" and nothing shows up except War in Iraq. I type "Iraq" and "Neo-Liberalism," and I got nothing that I searched for.

Again, I have to abandon yet another topic. And trust me, I have a million topics before I chose Iraq and Neo-Liberalism. Now, I have to find a million more. "Korean Nationalism and Diplomacy in the Peninsula," "American Exceptionalism and the Election of Donald Trump," "British Imperial Nostalgia and Brexit:" These are my topics, and I am not sure if my professor will approve of them. I am scared that he will tell me that I am unclear again. And, with an undiagnosed chronic illness where brain fog and loss of concentration are major symptoms, I do not want to hear the word "unclear " again.

So, now, with my three topics, I pray that something will turn up when I go to JSTOR. And if not, then, I have to splurge on reading scholarly articles til I find something. I wish researching is just as simple as looking things up. But it is a skill for a reason. You see that I have some fears and anxiety before researching. With these two factors so strong, I'm not even sure if I will even research at all. And if I do, then, I won't have time to write for my research paper.

Researching is hard, and I envy people who can do it easily.

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