9:25pm February 22nd 2019

4am knows all my secrets. I try to tell myself " Don't believe the things you tell yourself so late at night. You are your own worst enemy." But it's just not that easy, the hours between 12am and 6am have a funny habit of making you feel like you're either on top of the world, or under it. I can't understand why i am constantly sad, i have so many unresolved things in my life but now that i am with him. i can't ever resolve them. It's not worth being without him. I wanna just get through whatever i am dealing with and forget everyone who has ever hurt me. Once again, it's just not that easy. I put myself through hell at night because my thoughts begin to soar throughout my mind and trying to stop them is like trying to stop someone from breaking your heart. I just wish it was easier said than done. And sometimes if i sit still at night the walls whisper to me. And they say the cruelest things. And i believe every word they say. I just can't explain it to anyone the way that i can if i type it. It's past midnight and the demons are here to eat up all the small pieces of happiness that i picked up today. My thoughts are destroying me, i tried not to think but the silence was a killer too. I know i know, you're probably thinking, "but you smile everyday, i always see you laughing how are you depressed?" I am depressed because every once in awhile i remember that i am the biggest hypocrite of them all, i tell everyone to keep holding on that there is light at the end of every tunnel and that everything gets better as long as you continue to wait. I always tell people to have hope. That they need to keep trying because it is too early to give up, and that they have so much to live for. Then there is me, and i am barely holding on. Every night i lay awake blaming insomnia.