The unicorn frappuccino was an eruption of popularity. As soon as I knew it existed it was suddenly everywhere. Including my hand. Now these drinks are gone, and it's left us all with a bitter sweet, no mostly sour mango, taste in our mouths. Now the whip cream mountains and bright blue zig zags are slowly disappearing from our Facebook and Instagram feeds. But you know what isn't disappearing, Starbucks? I still have some burning questions for you.
1. How and what parts of these unicorns were we actually consuming? Their Magic? Ground up unicorn horns from the poachers' black market? Has any part of the process even been FDA approved?
2. Is this "white mocha" really unicorn milk? Do you own secret unicorn farms? Are these unicorns free range?
3. Did the frappuccino have such a short window because you literally ran out of unicorns to use? Thank you, Starbucks, as if unicorns weren't already rare enough. You could have just sold unicorn babies or tickets to see unicorns, and you would have made more money and the world's purest creature would still be alive.
4. Are you planning on making more of these pretty Instagram drinks? What's next? Mermaid Lemonade? Centaur Apple Cider? Kappa Cappuccinos??!
5. Were the unicorns at least being compensated for their labor? Did whatever horrible process you used drain them of energy as well as magic? Were the baristas at least getting extra praise or bonuses from managers? They deserve it.
6. Why were they sour mango flavor? To be honest, a berry flavor that matched the colors would have a-okay by me. I see what you were trying to with the old switcheroo color not matching the fruit, but "magic" doesn't taste like mango. Magic wouldn't taste like anything we recognize. Next time step it up and invent a new flavor.
7. How did you think of such a good idea? I mean from a marketing standpoint, you capitalized on a preexisting social media trend, created a specific new piece for that trend, and then consumers gave you tons of free advertising. Smart move, Starbucks.
8. Was is it hard to extract the unicorn magic, when those who don't believe in unicorns can't even see them? Was is it even harder because, and I'm just guessing here, those who do believe didn't want to extort the unicorns?
9. Please tell me they weren't made with unicorn blood and we're all going to live cursed half lives? Does this rule apply to anyone who didn't know it was an actual unicorn coming up through that green straw?
10. No hate for my barista (see number 5), but if these drinks are so darn magical, why did you still notoriously spell my name wrong?
