One year ago, I never imagined my life would look as crazy as it does now. The one year ago version of me looked totally different. She had her life together. She never missed a church service. She sang on the worship team and helped out at every church event she could. She had a good paying job, and she was in love with her life. She knew who she was, and she was loud about her faith and the work God was doing within her. God had big plans for her, and she knew it. “Had.”
Before you freak out, I know God still has big plans for the person I am 12 months, but about 6 months ago, things got a little rocky, and I lost sight of a lot. I know I’m not the only one who’s been in my shoes, but let me tell you, the lessons that have come out of all the ashes that have been created… they are beautiful. The biggest one, though, and by far the most important in my opinion, is that our pursuit for God and his kingdom should be RELENTLESS. When this revelation occurred to me, I was knee deep in so much junk that life had thrown at me I couldn’t see straight, and I didn’t recognize myself anymore at all.
Between new found health issues and heartbreaks and failing classes, I had completely stopped seeking the Lord. I stopped praying. I stopped going to church. I stopped singing, which is the biggest way I’ve always connected with God, I stopped everything. Not because I was angry with him, but because I was so ashamed of the backslide that I had done, and all the mistakes I had made, that I couldn’t bring myself to face him. I was ashamed of what my life had become, so I hid.
There for a while, I was okay with it. I continued down the road I was on… drinking, smoking, thinking I could handle life without God and pursuing the things that he put in me. Then one morning I woke up. Empty and broken, I could clearly see all my shattered pieces all around me. Slowly but surely, I started to try and put myself back together, still not pursuing God, though.
A week went by, and I wasn’t feeling much better. Not many changes were being made, and I was so confused. As I was driving to class one Wednesday, I was so concentrated on trying to be on time that I didn’t really focus on what channel my radio was set to. As I said earlier, music has always been God and I’s biggest form of communication… and boy did he communicate that day. Somewhere between fumbling with my seat belt and the trash in my floor board, my focus suddenly tuned in to what was coming from my speakers. I barely heard the lyrics at first… “It’s a relentless pursuit…”. I turned up the radio just as I pulled into my parking space, and all of a sudden, I didn’t care if I was on time to my college Algebra class. I shut my eyes, and listened to God pour into my heart. The song was called “Relentless Pursuit” by Kim Walker, and it quickly became my new fight song. While I was sitting in my car that day, God taught me the most valuable lesson.
Our pursuit for him should be relentless, despite all the struggles. Just because we hurt doesn’t mean all of his plans for us are gone. Those plans and dreams that he puts in our hearts are a part of our DNA. He graphed each one of them in us when he created us, and no one thing can ever take them away, so our pursuit should never stop. It should be never ceasing, regardless of how bad it hurts.
Life gets hard sometimes, but never stop seeking his presence, because falling face first in the presence of the Lord is so much better than falling face first into the arms of this ugly world. This I know for certain. If it’s the only thing about myself I’m ever sure of, it’s that my fight is worth it. Our struggles are worth it. Our relentless pursuit for the kingdom of Heaven is worth it, no matter how many times we fall down. Relentless means constant, not perfect.
