Pretty.

I was wondering what the price of pretty was and I think I figured it out. I have spent $1,795 trying to be pretty. (I shamefully admit that this only makeup and hair products) I have $1,795 worth of beauty products. Every single day I sit in front of my $80 makeup mirror, which has two sides, a normal side, and a side closes in on each and every one of my flaws. In front of that mirror, I spend hours trying to make all of those flaws disappear.

Yet every single day when I leave my apartment, I don’t feel pretty. Instead I’m thinking that there is a hair out of place, and I didn’t cover up my pimple well enough. While wishing to be pretty, there are so many thoughts that run through my head, "if only you lost weight you'd be pretty", "if only you put on more concealer, you'd be pretty", "if only you smiled more, you'd be pretty".

On the outside I look like a strong woman. I always hold my head up high. I always look confident. I always look like everything is okay on the inside. But it’s all for show. Yes, my mom tells my I’m pretty, but no matter how many times I’ve heard it, I don’t believe it. I spend hours getting ready just to mask how I look because that's what I've been taught. You always hear, “if you don't like something, fix it.” So I do. I buy all of the latest eye shadow pallets and lipsticks to fix myself. I've been taught that they way I look is broken and needs mascara and blush to be fixed. Over the years I've done it so much that I've actually tricked myself into thinking that I enjoy getting ready, and that I do it for myself and that makeup is empowering and blah blah blah.

But that's a lie. I do it because of the comments I've gotten over the years of growing up and the things I’ve read in articles. On the days I don’t wear makeup "Are you sick? Do you need to go to the nurse?" On the days I did wear makeup "Wow! You look so pretty!" Pretty. The word echoed in my head as I heard it, and because I had on a face full of makeup and the compliment didn’t come from a relative, it had to be true. Right? I begged my mom for brand name makeup, the newest curling irons, even laser hair removal; because I wanted to alter myself to make other people think I was pretty.

When I was a tween, all I thought about was how pretty I would be when I grew up because I could use makeup and change the way I look. Line my eyes look bigger. Contour my check bones because I'm too fat to actually have them. Shape up my eyebrows to make them even. Straighten my hair so it's not frizzy. Do anything and everything to look pretty. Little did I know, every single day, when I sit down do get made up, I lose a little bit of myself. I lose the little girl who liked to play in the rain. I can't do that now because my hair would get ruined. I lose the little girl who loved to be outside. I can’t do that now because my makeup would sweat off. I lose the little girl who didn’t care what people thought of her. I can’t do that now because that’s all I care about. I lose the little girl who was once comfortable in her skin, all because I want to be pretty.

Well, if I’ve learned anything from writing this, it’s that pretty is overrated. We spend all of our time, money, and energy on trying to be pretty on the outside to please other people. What we need to focus on, as young women, is how prettybeautiful we all are, on the inside and out.