When someone tells you something, it’s easy to breeze by it. “Yeah, sure, of course.” Let them think they’ve said their peace and give them a smile. Simple as that. When multiple people over the course of a lifetime all have different versions of the same advice to give, that’s when it’s important to listen, take it in. Think about why they’re saying this. Where does it stem from? I’ve only been alive 21 years. The people who know and love me, they know my flaws… my letdowns… my fears… and all those well-meaning-from-the-heart conversations always end with the same phrase “Stop being so down on yourself.” My question is this: Why am I? Why do I feel I have to apologize for my existence?
Over afternoon coffees and Saturday night dinners and long-winded text conversations, my friends and family have always had the same criticism: “Get some confidence. I don’t know why you don’t have any.”
Anyone who knows me knows I depend on self-deprecation to get by. I recently went to lunch with a long time family friend. She couldn’t make it to my birthday dinner, so we planned for breakfast the next week. I was happy she reached out. It was a nice gesture. We went to Bada Bean and talked and I got my usual order. It was generally a fine affair. Nothing out of the ordinary. But I kept apologizing, saying “Hey, sorry I’m taking up your time. You didn’t have to do this— you’re probably busy and have better things to do.” That kind of jabbering on that stems from my immediate thought of “She’s only being nice, why would she want to get lunch with you? — It was only a formality.”
My question is: Why? Why in the ever-revolving world would she not want to get lunch with me? Why does my mind immediately go to ‘Hey, she's fantastic and funny and why in the world is she hanging out with you?’
Maybe I should be consulting a therapist about this. That’s up to my own personal discretion but, then again, after years of unnecessary apologizing over things that I shouldn’t feel inclined to apologize for and the revolving door of self-deprecating jokes and endless thoughts of, you’re wasting their time, shut up, I’m not going to apologize for anything I say, write, think, or do. It’s my choice and it’s fine if you judge. The problem with this stand is that while unapologetic and firm, it still leaves a way for doubts. There’s no clear answer for why I feel the need to apologize for inane things. I once apologized to a desk for walking into it. It’s just the innate reaction I’ve come to know. Acknowledging the problem is different from understanding it.
When multiple people over countless years say, point blank, “You need to believe in yourself,” maybe it’s a good idea to take their advice. Believing in your darn self-doesn't seem like a sure thing to me, which is messed up, I get it. But, why? Is it a normal thing to you? To other people? I’m sure it has to be. Maybe confidence isn't easy to come by. It doesn’t seem to be easy for me. That’s something I’ve grown to learn about myself. It doesn’t mean it’s impossible because I’ve seen it before. There are moments of self-assurance, times where I see who I am and feel okay with that person. For example, I know what I want to do with my life. I’m sure of it. It’s just about finding the confidence within myself to pursue it wholeheartedly. Isn’t that everyone? To go after what they want regardless of darn barriers or setbacks or lack of support. I’ve somehow become lucky enough to have that genuine support system. I don’t know how it happened really, but I’ve only been met with kind words and kinder hearts. If the people around me think I can do this life thing right…well, maybe they’ve got the brightest idea of all
