This one is to you. The one that I haven't talked to in a year. The one who promised me he would be at my high school graduation, but just as I should have known, never showed. This is to the man who chose every relationship he was in, every drug that was inhaled and injected into his body, every bit of money he could get if only he sold that last bottle of pills before he even considered concerning himself with his own flesh and blood. This is to you, Dad.
You know, I have let go. I have let go of a lot. But that does not mean that it does not bother me. I accepted the divorce and its repercussions that followed subsequently after. I accepted your new wife when you met her and even her kids. But what I will never accept are your miserable, empty excuses as to why you are the way that you are. You cannot constantly blame the fact that you cannot participate in day-to-day human activities is because you have to smoke a joint or you need shoot up some meth. I will never accept that. And because of that, I guess that is why you could never accept me.
But, that is just fine. I have learned to cope. Sure, there are nights where I wonder where you are or if I ever cross that mind of yours. But in all reality, nothing I think or say can change who you chose to be. And I have learned to be okay with that. There are nights that I pray for you, no matter how much I resent doing so because I feel as if it will do no good, that you will one day wake up and realize all the years you have thrown away and all the blood lines you have ignored so effortlessly to the point that they are barely in existence anymore. You did this, and you may not know it now, but one day something in your mind will click and all these realizations will flow rapidly like raging waters that you will begin to drown in and no one will be there.
I am not writing to interrogate you or to circumcise your heart with these words that I type, I am here, despite everything that your absence has done to harm me, to thank you. Sincerely, and from the bottom of my heart, I thank you for putting me through the hell I lived in for so long but managed to pull myself out of. Thank you for the child support that you never paid, because it made me learn to be more grateful for the moms that I do have that display both roles more eloquently than you ever could have. Thank you for teaching me what to find in a man for myself. Thank you for teaching me what not to do when it is my time to become a parent. Thank you for not being the epitome of what a father should be, because it has help bring me so far. I am a changed and stronger woman because of the lack of love and affection you showed me. And I can't thank you enough.
I've learned not to be bitter and not to linger on the past. And to be completely honest, I have learned how to not hate you either. And just like I said, I have learned how to let go. Because sometimes, you have to let go of what is killing you, even though it kills you to let go. I do love you and I do wish the best for you, whatever that may be, but I have realized that I don't need you. And as harsh as that may sound, it is true. You broke my heart before anyone else had the chance to, but I will be just fine. I know I will be okay.
I have learned how to put my faith and my hope into things that are concrete and solid, something that you could never offer me. John 14:18 says, "I will not leave you as orphans, I will come to you." There is nothing in this world that comforts me more than knowing that I have a Father in Heaven who accepts and loves me unconditionally and unfathomably when my earthly father can't. He has been there for me all those times that you were off worrying only about yourself. He was the one who wiped all of my continuously-flowing tears from my eyes and calmed my heavy heart. He was all who you were supposed to be and I wouldn't have had it any other way. Because of you, I have changed and only for the better.
So here I am proudly saying, "Hey 'Dad', I did it without you." Thanks for not being there and I really do mean it.
