An Open Letter To Flat-Earthers

Dear Flat-Earth Society,

Hi.

How are you doing?

You guys alright?

I see that you're getting a documentary made out of you and have inspired closeted members like NBA all-star Kyrie Irving. Your movement is remarkable because Irving is now more known for his comments on the Earth being flat than making the winning shot of Game 7 of the 2016 NBA Finals.

It also looks like you inspired Logan Paul to come out as a Flat-Earth believer. I know Paul does YouTube videos or something, he starred in some scary YouTube movie called "The Thinning." I think people hate him now for some reason. Did he fight someone? I think he dates the girl from "Agents of Shield." That's all I know and want to know. I only put a picture of him as my header because I know he'll get views for some reason.

So Flat-Earthers, I know most people who claim to be intelligent despise your stance in the simple theory that the planet we live on just so happens to be flat instead of the widely held belief that we've always lived on a round one instead. But I want to let you know that I get where you're coming from.

See I think you get a thrill of power to control your reality.

I've seen "The Matrix" many times (the second one only once and the third one never.) In fact, this year marks the twentieth anniversary of one of the most revolutionary and groundbreaking sci-fi movies of all-time. Inspiring dozens of awful 2000s action movies of hot people doing quick cut action in tight leather and sunglasses. That and far-out and confusing sci-fi movies that bomb spectacularly at the box office.

Anyway, what makes the original Matrix so powerful is that it's one of the first big pieces of entertainment that challenges our own existence. It makes the audience question of whether everything we were ever taught and told throughout our whole lives was a lie and what if we had the power to change that reality?

It's a philosophy that every intelligent person should be able to pursue in life without being laughed at or ridiculed.

And you Flat-Earthers are passionately chasing that challenge in questioning everything you were taught and told by those who came before you.

The fact that so many conformists who give into conventional wisdom are easily disgusted and offended by your beliefs must be empowering.

You see, the round-earth believing snowflakes believe not only do you deny science and the truth, but you also insult their intelligence.

To call the earth flat to mock and ridicule centuries of science and philosophers sacrificing so much to make people understand the world better.

When you call the earth flat you spit in the face on not only triggered millennials, but you also spit in the face of Da Vinci, Galileo, Copernicus, Newton, Edison, Ben Franklin, Tesla, Einstein, and Columbus. But you can totally keep spitting at Columbus, because he was really an idiot and a mass murderer. Fuck Columbus.

The controlling majority will unfortunately never understand your movement, the way Christians and the Christianity belief was mocked and ridiculed before becoming the most influential religion in the world. Maybe one day your belief and philosophy will overcome the conventional wisdom of today and become the dominant belief of the next millennium.

So now here's the question you're probably wondering reader, am I a Flat-Earth believer as well?

Um no.

Carry on and have a good day.