In March of 2014, my stepmom passed away shortly after childbirth from an extremely rare tumor. It was a complete shock to all of us. I'd woken up early that morning expecting to come home from the hospital with a new brother, but my stepmother had passed on before midnight that night. I was fourteen years old.
Like any child who lost a parent, I often find myself thinking about the "what if" scenarios.
What if she was here?
What would she say about this?
What would happen if she was here?
I suppose what really hits me is that my stepmom passed away before I felt like I had the chance to truly grow up. I was still in middle school when she passed away. I was awkward, had acne, and spoke way too much about One Direction and musicals. Now, only a month away from my high school graduation, I constantly find myself worrying about if I've grown into a young woman that would make her proud.
Grief is weird. It hits you full force and without warning at some of the oddest times. Since this week is one of those weeks, I figured it was the best time to sit down and write this letter.
To my mom who passed away before I grew up,
As I graduation gets closer and closer, I can't help but think about all of the memories I've made that I didn't get to share with you. I think about all of the choir concerts, all of the formal dress shopping, all of the theatre productions that you never got to see. I think about how I've become a completely different person since we last spoke. I know I've become stronger since your passing. I've become more selfless, more thankful, and more confident.
It's hard knowing I'm about to enter a new chapter of my life without you. It'll really be the first chapter without your influence, and to be quite honest, I don't know how to handle it. I know I'm supposed to remember that you are always with me in spirit. That somehow you've seen everything I've done these past four years.
But I miss you.
I miss being able to talk to you. I wonder every day what you'd say about my scholarship opportunities, my college choice, or my prom date. Spiritually you will always be with me. I feel you when I'm sad or anxious, or when I doubt myself and my hard work. When things get tough, you're always there and for that, I am eternally grateful.
However, physically you are always with me in the habits you ingrained in me. In my spunk and in my determination. In the saying "it is what it is," in my laughter, in peanut butter sandwiches and my love for sushi. You taught me the power of a little bit of mascara. You taught me the importance of accepting my mistakes and seeing all sides of the story.
Though you have not been here, you have helped shape me into the person I am today. Thank you for loving me as though I was your own child. Thank you for teaching me right from wrong, and from teaching me that "mother" isn't a title that is just given — it's a title that is earned. I know that on graduation day, you'll be up in heaven cheering as loud as you can.
Thank you, and I love you.
