I have struggled with my mental health for years. From dealing with my own anxiety and suicidal thoughts to watching others deal with their own personal struggles, as well.
It wasn't always like this. It seems like it was, but it wasn't. I can still recall the days where I would get a call from my friends at 7 p.m. to drive down to the beach and there was nothing standing in my way of saying yes. There was no "but what if" or "I would but" I just did it, and there was nothing more to it.
I have done a lot of things to try and help me cope with these feelings, but I still have times where I struggle. I have been in and out of therapy sessions, I have reached out and asked for help, but that doesn't mean I'm fixed. That doesn't mean I don't sometimes spend my nights laying on my bathroom floor, or hunched over the garbage can begging my mom to take me to the hospital because I don't feel like I'm strong enough to handle these feelings. Some days I find it hard to leave my house, I find it hard to eat, and I find it hard to socialize with others.
Fear has consumed most of my teenage years. It's always been a factor in my decision making and the loudest thought in the back of my mind. Even when I am not currently experiencing a panic attack, I have constant terror that one may come about, and I won't be able to handle it. Even though I have gotten through a million of them, and I know they can't kill, I still sometimes work myself up and get worried.
Every single person in this world has a different story.
Each person with a mental illness will experience is totally different from everyone else. For some, things are easier to handle than others. I think of mental illness as the sky. Every day it's different, but it's still there. One day it might be bright and sunny outside and everything may feel easy, freeing, and blissful, but another day it's dark and cloudy and it brings along panic, pain, and fear.
I am constantly growing and evolving. I am constantly pushing through the tough days and finding new ways to cope with my mental illness. I will be OK. I always am, but sometimes I need a moment to express that I'm feeling sad or overwhelmed, and I need to be honest with myself when this weight on my shoulders gets a little bit heavy.
All of this isn't a bad thing. It's a part of the process of getting better. You must get knocked down in order to get up.
