One may say that I am a perfectionist. Not in a way that my house needs to be perfect or my clothes must be perfectly spaced out in my closet, but a perfectionist when it comes to life. I carry a planner with me almost everywhere I go, one that is color-coded, in fact. The point of telling you this is so you can see how much I like to have control and make sure everything is perfect. I love to feel like I have control over my life, my emotions, and myself. So, you can only imagine the insanity when I lost myself for a while. I did not lose myself in a way that was totally life-altering.
I lost myself trying to live the life I thought was for me. I lost myself trying to take care of everyone else. I forgot to take care of me. I lost myself a little when I stopped practicing self-care and practiced trying to please everyone else. I lost myself in love. Love does not always been a significant other but could be a friendship. I tried to love everyone with every ounce of love I had. I gave away so much love, that I forgot to save some love for myself. It's not that loving yourself is the most important thing in the world, but if you do not love yourself, you have lost control over you.
I lost a piece of myself when I stopped checking up on people who really matter and tried to please the people who could not care about me. I lost a bit of myself when I stayed up all night trying to hang out with my friends so they would invite me next time, even though I had to be up at five thirty am. I told you I am a perfectionist, I want everyone to be happy, but I lost myself trying to make sure everything was perfect.
I was so worried about making time for 'fun' in life (things that would have never made the planner of before), that I slipped away for a while. I quit my writing, I slacked my school work (don't worry I still did it, it just wasn't 100% my best efforts, still have a bomb GPA though), I stopped having any form of organization, I stopped taking my medication, and so many things because I thought I did not need those things, they weren't the best parts of me, so why acknowledge them, just lose them, right?
When, in fact, they are things that truly define and shape me into the person I am. I love to write, I aspire to have the best grade in the class, when I'm organized my world goes around so much smoother and when I take my medication my mental health is the best ever.
I'm sharing these personal details because maybe you have lost a piece or maybe a lot of yourself, doing whatever it is you've been doing. We can all be so busy in this crazy life that we slip away slowly and then before we know it we've slipped away entirely. You can lose yourself and never find your way back, I have seen many people do it. Sometimes losing yourself does not always mean it will turn out bad, maybe you lose the old you and become the best version of yourself, or maybe you lose yourself and become the person you never wanted to be.
It's a Tuesday when I write this piece, it's four a.m., the world is asleep and it feels calm for a few minutes. I woke up with an urge to write, an urge to get back on this path to myself and an urge to find myself again. Nothing has felt this perfect in a long time. It's not going to feel perfect at noon when I'm on my fourth cup of coffee, but it feels perfect because I am finally doing something for me. I am choosing me. I love myself, in all of my forms, but my favorite form of me is the me I am in this very moment.
