Losing Self
Start writing a post

Losing Self

When life becomes overwhelming and you lose your sense of self.

Losing Self

"I'm not worried about you."

"I feel like you are one of the few people I don't have to worry about."

These were words that actually placed more weight on the anchors that dragged me deeper into the sea that suffocated me. I felt that I needed to be better and that I shouldn't be feeling the way that I was feeling, but I could not resurface. It got to the point where each day blurred into each other and I had no will to live. I went through the motions of school and church, but inside I was dead. Dead emotionally, mentally, and spiritually.

I lost my self. He was taken captive, or maybe he ran away, but all that was left was a shell.

It was as if he became a different person entirely. He thought about dying multiple times. Thinking it would be better to get hit by a car or to jump off a bridge. Thinking he needed to end his life so that he would stop wasting the resources of this earth. Thinking that if he died, there would be no one to mourn for him. That his friends did not care. Or did he have friends at all? One Sunday, he wanted to end it. He went to church and he felt that it was the last day for him. He would rather die than feel numb from the draining parasite of depression feeding off him. He could not get up for worship, in fact, he refused to stand. The pastor called the congregation to repentance, but he believed that he was too great a sinner and that He had abandoned him. In rebellion, he prayed to darkness to take his life because he was done with it.

Then hands pressed on his shoulders. He heard words of prayer. As quickly as the words came out, the tears of someone behind him poured down on him. The thought that ran through his mind, 'I love you. I'm not done with you yet.'

For a moment, my eyes let out trickling streams. Streams that contained hope.

I want to say that I no longer have depression, but I would be lying. I still struggle with seasons of depression, and I feel that at times my self runs away. He wants to run from hurt, rejection, and social expectations. He is afraid of not being able to change and become better.

But one thing that keeps me falling into my sea of depression is knowing that God was with me, He is still with me, and He will be with me forevermore. Like how Jesus grabbed Peter before he drowned in the water, He is grabbing hold of me.

Report this Content
This article has not been reviewed by Odyssey HQ and solely reflects the ideas and opinions of the creator.
the beatles
Wikipedia Commons

For as long as I can remember, I have been listening to The Beatles. Every year, my mom would appropriately blast “Birthday” on anyone’s birthday. I knew all of the words to “Back In The U.S.S.R” by the time I was 5 (Even though I had no idea what or where the U.S.S.R was). I grew up with John, Paul, George, and Ringo instead Justin, JC, Joey, Chris and Lance (I had to google N*SYNC to remember their names). The highlight of my short life was Paul McCartney in concert twice. I’m not someone to “fangirl” but those days I fangirled hard. The music of The Beatles has gotten me through everything. Their songs have brought me more joy, peace, and comfort. I can listen to them in any situation and find what I need. Here are the best lyrics from The Beatles for every and any occasion.

Keep Reading...Show less
Being Invisible The Best Super Power

The best superpower ever? Being invisible of course. Imagine just being able to go from seen to unseen on a dime. Who wouldn't want to have the opportunity to be invisible? Superman and Batman have nothing on being invisible with their superhero abilities. Here are some things that you could do while being invisible, because being invisible can benefit your social life too.

Keep Reading...Show less

19 Lessons I'll Never Forget from Growing Up In a Small Town

There have been many lessons learned.

houses under green sky
Photo by Alev Takil on Unsplash

Small towns certainly have their pros and cons. Many people who grow up in small towns find themselves counting the days until they get to escape their roots and plant new ones in bigger, "better" places. And that's fine. I'd be lying if I said I hadn't thought those same thoughts before too. We all have, but they say it's important to remember where you came from. When I think about where I come from, I can't help having an overwhelming feeling of gratitude for my roots. Being from a small town has taught me so many important lessons that I will carry with me for the rest of my life.

Keep Reading...Show less
​a woman sitting at a table having a coffee

I can't say "thank you" enough to express how grateful I am for you coming into my life. You have made such a huge impact on my life. I would not be the person I am today without you and I know that you will keep inspiring me to become an even better version of myself.

Keep Reading...Show less
Student Life

Waitlisted for a College Class? Here's What to Do!

Dealing with the inevitable realities of college life.

college students waiting in a long line in the hallway

Course registration at college can be a big hassle and is almost never talked about. Classes you want to take fill up before you get a chance to register. You might change your mind about a class you want to take and must struggle to find another class to fit in the same time period. You also have to make sure no classes clash by time. Like I said, it's a big hassle.

This semester, I was waitlisted for two classes. Most people in this situation, especially first years, freak out because they don't know what to do. Here is what you should do when this happens.

Keep Reading...Show less

Subscribe to Our Newsletter

Facebook Comments