As a gay woman, if I want a healthy dating life, my gaydar has to be in tip-top shape. Unfortunately, my dating life is shit and my gaydar, if I even have one, does not work.

I'm just kind of stumbling through life wondering if that one girl who looks like a female version of a lumberjack is gay or if she's just really into the aesthetic. This has led to a lot of awkward situations, usually ending in me promising myself that I will never talk to a girl again. In light of my seemingly broken gaydar, I have had to revert to questionable practices in order to find out if a girl is gay as hell or if I just wish she was gay as hell.

1. Check Her Wardrobe

I know this is stereotyping. Believe me. But sometimes you have to stoop in order to figure it out. Is she wearing flannel, converse, does she have wristbands? Is she wearing a graphic tee of any kind? Is she wearing the "Nobody Knows I'm A Lesbian" tee? Has she written "into girls" on her forehead?

2. How Many Times Does She Touch You?

This makes things hard because a lot of girls are just touchy. I'm touchy, and I don't even have to like you romantically for me to want to at least have a hand on your arm. A lot of people just crave human interactions through touch. So what you have to pay attention to is where she touches you. Does she touch your upper arm? Your thigh? Does she grab you by the waist and press her entire body against you, pulling you in for a scorching kiss? These touches may be signs of her being at least a little bit interested in you.

3. Does She Watch Shows With Gay Characters In Them?

Gays attract gays. Let's face it, a lot of gay women out there choose what shows to watch according to whether or not there is a least one queer female character. I can count how many shows that I watch with only straight characters in them on half of one hand. If she watches "Orange is the New Black," "Orphan Black," or has ever watched "The L Word," she's probably gay.

4. Her Fingernails

For obvious reasons, gay women tend to keep their fingernails short; unless they are like me and generally don't bother because nothing's gonna happen anytime soon. So it helps to check out her fingernails, if they're an inch long and pointy, she's probably not into women. Seriously, why would you put someone through such a thing?

5. Ask Her

THIS IS A LAST RESORT. The trick to this is not to be weird about it. Try to bring girls into the conversation and then ask if she's seeing anyone. Don't just yell out "hey do you like girls?" in the middle of a conversation. I have learned this from experience, unfortunately...

6. Who Does She Associate With?

Does she surround herself with gay women? Does she have a lot of guy friends? Is she often found lip locking with random girls in the back of parties with a water in her hand? Then she might be a little gay.

7. How Does She Walk?

Does she have a kind of confident swagger to her walk? To quote Chelsea Handler, does her "vagina enter the room before she does?"

8. The Lesbian Mating Call

I've been told that if you're a lesbian and you have not seen the movie "Imagine Me and You," then you have to hand in your lesbian card until further notice. The "mating call" is easy enough to memorize. Imagine that the roof of your mouth is a cathedral.