In these last few months, I have realized that I am a complete hypocrite. I have been writing article after article about feminism, body positivity, self-love, worthiness, and the way that God sees us. I have been sitting behind a computer and preaching about all of these wonderful things and acting as if I have overcome all of these obstacles, and presenting myself as a role model and an example of these things when in reality, I am still totally and utterly wallowing in them.
I'm sorry, but I am not perfect. I have not arrived at this so-called peak of perfection that so many pretend that they have found. I am still human. I am a human trying to come to terms with the fact that I am loved, and my brokenness is being carried on the back of the God that loves me. I have recently realized that the fact that I still struggle with believing that Jesus completely wiped clean my slate and that I don't have to carry my shame anymore, means that I don't fully understand the depth of God's love for me. The fact that I feel self-conscious getting in the shower when nobody can see me means that I haven't grasped how much God loves me. The fact that sometimes I wear long sleeved shirts to cover my armpits as to not be judged by others shows that my eyes are not solely focused on Jesus and the freedom he has given me.
When I was writing my articles I think that I was deeply in denial that I was still so broken internally. I was trying to smile and fake my way through when in reality I needed help more than ever. I am in no way the ideal of any of these things. I am not the perfect feminist or Christian or activist. I am just a human that is deeply loved and is working very hard to believe that.
Honestly, I'm sick of pretending. I'm sick of seeing people pretend. We live in a world where everybody puts up a façade, and it creates a world where nobody is good enough. We are completely shut off from each other because the only real part of who we are is being hidden. I don't know about you, but I don't want to live in a world like that. I want to live in a world where we can be radically honest and true to who we are and how we are feeling. I want to live in a world where we can be in community and help each other grow through our brokenness and imperfections. I want to live in a world where we see each other as human beings and not competition.
I am done. I'm done hiding behind the lie that I have made it and that everything is all peachy keen. IM NOT OKAY. I need Jesus more than ever. I need help more than ever. I need to begin to understand the fullness of what Jesus did for me and how much he loves me. I haven't gotten there yet, and you probably haven't either. That's okay. At least we are on our way. We are moving towards goodness and love and Jesus. So let's move together in humility, instead of apart in pride. Please.
Thank you for allowing me to be vulnerable. Thank you for the opportunity to speak. So much love to you, my friends. Carpe Diem.
