Dear Hot People,
What are you doing? Like, seriously? It's one hundred billion degrees outside with 110% humidity. I'm dying, I cannot breathe, I look like I just took a shower in the least attractive way possible, and my hair looks like it's about to eat me then climb to the top of the Empire State Building to swat down planes.
Yet, here you all are, sitting by the pool, drinking your appletinis and looking like you just stepped out of the swimsuit cover of Sports Illustrated.
Now, I'm 21 years young, so I stopped being mad about the differences between us a long time ago. Now, I just want answers, plain and simple. Here are just a few of the questions that I would like explained.
1. How do you not sweat?Giphy
This is me trying to casually wipe away the rivers streaming down my face every time I step outside. How do you not sweat literally ever? It's a normal body function to do so, yet you all seem to have skipped over that part in the womb.
And don't tell me, "Oh, silly, of course I sweat!" because I'm calling bull-doody right now. I saw you take out that spray bottle to spritz yourself and to create the illusion that you sweat just enough to simply glisten, Cheryl.
2. Where yo sunscreen at?Giphy
I just got off of my fourth summer as a lifeguard. From my first day to my very last, I put on a solid SPF 50 Coppertone every 80 minutes, as directed. I still burned at least once a week.
However, I look at all these hot people, lazing out in the sun for HOURS on end, and all they do is turn a delightful shade of cinnamon toast, no post-sun aloe sesh needed.
What do you do, huh? You soak in a tub full of sunscreen for an hour before you go out into the sun? Or is your skin just genetically predisposed to deflect UV Rays after it retains the needed amount for tanning?
Also, are tan lines just not a thing in Hot People Land? Asking for a friend (that friend is me).
3. Your hair. Just. . .what?Giphy
Your. Hair. Is. Impossibly. Flawless. Who are you, freaking Pocahontas? What are your colors of the wind, and where on this good, green world can I get some?
While we're on the subject, what in the heck is a beach wave? Your hair is curly without actually being curly. It's so wavy and non-frizzy and magical. I legit don't get it. Did you make a deal with the devil?
4. How do you make sitting with your mouth slightly open look awesome?Giphy
What's this about? You look so seductive and put together. Guaranteed that if I tried to do this, I would look like a mouth-breathing idiot pretending to be a very attractive vampire. The overall result would be quite gross, if not downright terrifying.
Are you smiling? Are you strategically frowning? Are you growling? Like, what is going on? Why is it working? I just want to know.
5. What's the move with the sand?Giphy
Sand is evil.
There, I said it. It gets in crevices I didn't know I had and it's itchy. I can never seem to lay on it comfortably and forget using my towel afterwards.
However, you all have managed to tame the sand monster and make it look like a cloud of sparkling beach diamonds that you happened upon and decided to lie across.
Do I need to make a sacrifice to the sand monster? Is it all in the strategic half leg cross move? I need to know.
I expect answers, hot people. You have hacked the summer system, and I need to know the secret. Otherwise, I may suffocate underneath sweat, frizzy hair, sand, and other tropical implements.
I await your reply anxiously and in the air conditioning.
Literally everyone. We all want to know your secrets.