Christmas has passed, the spruces are slowing dying and the hot chocolate has gone cold. All the cheer has been sucked out of the air and we can finally look toward the New Year. But where would we be if we didn’t reflect on everyone’s favorite movie channel? You know the one. It’s the one that’s chock full of over-exaggerated love stories and low-budget sets. You guessed it. Hallmark Movie Channel. We love to hate Hallmark Movie Channel. I watch one movie with my mom and feel as though my cynicism has multiplied two-fold. They’re cheesy, they’re cliché and they make you want to puke from the fakeness of it all.
But right now I’m just being vague, so let me give you all of the reasons why Hallmark movies are the bane of my existence:
1. The constant background music.
It literally never stops.
2. The ridiculously little amount of time it takes for people to fall in love.
I watched one in which two grown ass adults said they were in love after THREE DAYS. OK, Romeo and Juliet. 
Even worse, it was Hilary Duff's sister. Why, Haylie, why?
3. The dialogue.
How many times can someone fake-laugh at jokes that aren’t funny?
4. The cheesiness.
Someone get me some wine PLEASE.
5. The cliché storylines.
There are two options. One, boy and girl “hate” each other but eventually realize their “love” for one another. Two, girl is engaged/otherwise taken, meets new man that is so much better than the other one falls in love with guy #2.
6. The actual pain in the actors’ eyes.
The dialogue is so bad that they never seem to be able to relax.
7. The acting.
I have a theory. The scripts are so bad that the actors literally cannot fake it. They have just given up on ever having a successful career and don’t even care if they do a good job.
8. The facial expressions.
Everyone smiles too damn much. Like, is life really that swell all the time? No, Becky, it’s not. Everything is NOT sunshine and rainbows, except in Hallmark land.
9. The diversity.
LOL WHAT DIVERSITY. They are just so white.
10. Gretchen Wieners.
Lacey Chabert has become a big name in Hallmark land I am just really sad about it.
If you are a Hallmark movie lover, then I am sure you have loved the recent additions to Netflix. And, of course, I am sure the holidays have been swell with the 20 new high-quality films that have debuted. But please, I beg you, explain to the rest of us why Gretchen Wieners has sunk so low.
