You know those moments in your life that you look back on and cringe? Most of the time, I feel like my life is just one super long, cringe-worthy moment, mostly because sometimes when people talk to me my brain freezes and I just whine like Tina (refer to below video).
So for the entertainment of readers everywhere, I've decided to think of the most embarrassing moments of my life (not necessarily in order) and post them on the internet, because why not. Most of these situations involve the male gender because by some cruel act of fate, that seems to be the only time I embarrass myself, when in front of an attractive guy.
WARNING: The following tales may include scenes of graphic stupidity; may induce laughter and/or pity.
1. The Cheese Stick
Growing up, my dad was a pastor and sometimes we would go out for lunch with people in the church or families from other churches. So on this particular Sunday afternoon, we took our special speaker and his lovely family out to Pizza Hut (in a small town, this was as fancy as it got). So this lovely couple had a son that was obviously flirting with my older sisters because he definitely wasn't flirting with the gremlin-like child (me). So I decided that I would impress the young suitor with my talents. I took a cheese stick and stretched it out and slowly started ingesting the cheese without chewing, because apparently this was the mating call of the 8-year-old gremlin child. So as I started ingesting the cheese, of course, I started to choke. My first reaction was to start pulling the cheese from my larynx. Imagine the magic trick with the person pulling an unlimited number of scarves out of their mouth...
That's what it was like, only with mozzarella cheese. As the lovely couple and their beautiful son stared at me in horror and my dad hit me on the back as hard as he could, I almost lost my life that day.... just kidding. But I did lose whatever dignity I had. #ThanksObama
2. Face Planting While Pig Wrestling
I'm from a fairly small town where farms are more common than actual people. So a friend was having a "barn party," which is exactly what it sounds like: a party in a barn. It was a cool fall evening and most of the church people were there, including Ryan (the attractive drummer). There were lights strung through the rafters, music floating through the air and laughter in every corner of the barn. So then the games began; one of the games involved catching and caging a very large pig.
Side note: This was a small town in a farming community but pig wrestling was not a common occurrence.
Anyway, so Ryan was up first. He caught, wrestled and caged the pig in under a minute. So, being the burly 14-year-old that I was, I decided once again to impress the young suitor with my talents. However, when I was younger, I used to play soccer. I had to stop playing after an unfortunate knee injury, so sometimes my knee cap moves if I turn the wrong way, but the husky 14-year-old Katie wasn't worried about that. So I walked out into the middle of the barn and turned... My knee cap popped and I hit the ground before they even let the pig out of the cage. And of course I was completely dignified about it — the first thing I did was yell for my mommy while sobbing on the dirt floor of the barn. To say the least, Ryan was not at all impressed.
3. The Great Chad-scapade
So there was this boy named Chad. He was a year older than me, and he was flawless in every way (except for the fact that he thought I was a dingus). He went to my church and my school and I was smitten. Side note: when I was little, I really liked to embellish things so that my mom thought I was cooler than I was. Anyway, for Christmas that year, I got my first cell phone: a Motorola Razr flip phone.
So I was putting in all these contacts that my mom and sisters had and, of course, my sister had Chad's number. So I added Chad's number to my phone and gave him his own ringtone (not that he would ever call). But I was a fairly smart kid, and I quickly learned that you could play music and close the phone and the music would continue to play, and back then the ringtones and regular music were all stored in the same place. So Chad's ringtone came on and my sister screamed, "Oh my gosh! Is Chad calling you?" Being the natural embellisher that I was, of course I went with it. I told my family he had just called to say hi and they were all happy for me. Well, of course, what goes up must come down. The next Sunday morning, my mom saw Chad and thanked him for calling me, telling me how it made my whole day. OK, pause: 1) Thank you, Mom for making me look completely pathetic; if he had called, this would have ruined everything and 2) This is exactly why God told us not to lie. So, of course, Chad denied everything and hated me even more than before, and I've never spoken to him since then. #NotSoHappilyEverAfter
4. The Fall Heard 'Round the World
I've fallen so many times in my 20 years of life. From falling down a hill with my $1,800 saxophone while marching with the band to falling into the baptismal tank when I was being baptized. But one specific fall clings to my memory and induces shame-filled misery every time I think about it. In my middle school, there were these fancy black, shiny tiles when you walked in the main entrance. There weren't many of them; they were just sporadically laid out in an aesthetically pleasing way. However, on this fateful day, they became the bane of my existence. On this specific day, we were running late to school and I didn't have time to find my belt; neither did I have time to find the shoes I wanted, so I settled for black flip flops. It was in late spring, which meant one thing: rain. So walking into school, my sister said, "Be careful; those black tiles are slick..." But she said it as I was doing the splits, just a second too late. So as I lie prostrate on the ground with my sister laughing hysterically and my books and papers strewn about on the floor, in walk the three most attractive guys that I knew at the time. So as two of them start to pick up my stuff, one of them offers to help me up. As this unnamed McDreamy helps me off the floor, my pants are suddenly around my thighs.
So as I hoist my pants up, hoping no one saw, my sister is once again laughing hysterically as the three boys just put my stuff back on the ground in a nice neat pile and just walk away, silently chuckling. And thanks to my sister, everyone in school (including all of my teachers) knew what had happened by the end of the day.
These stories were some of the worst moments of my childhood. But if they taught me anything, it was that people are going to laugh at you and life is only hard if you're not laughing with them.
Laugh at yourself; it's OK. Being embarrassed is part of growing up. It's going to happen a lot more, trust me.
