It’s not you it’s me, a line used since the beginning of relationships and that’s exactly what described my relationship one week ago. I have panic attacks, and instead of breathing through it, I take it out on my better half. He has never once blamed my condition. He held me during a break down reassuring me that the world wasn’t over. He would hand me the world if I asked and without realizing it I used his own love against him.
I twisted what we had into a way to control him because I have trust issues from the past. He stuck by me through it all reassuring me that I was all he needed and that he wasn’t going anywhere. I won’t lie: with each new outburst, I could see the way his face grew sadder and sadder. I could feel his arms slowly growing lighter in our embraces.
I was losing what saved me.
I had no idea how big of an impact this self-destructive behavior was doing to our bond. I know now that he never blamed me for how I am. He just felt stuck. He felt as if it was all his fault and was helpless. No matter how tight he held me or how many times he told me the truth, I asked him the same questions over and over. It was as if I was a CD stuck on repeat that he didn’t have the heart to turn off.
Spring break looked ahead and I knew that he wouldn’t do anything, but that little evil voice in the back of my head would whisper all the what if’s. It is the what if’s that get to a person with anxiety no matter how set in stone something is.
If there is room for a what if it will haunt you. The first two days were spent running his day through in detail until I was content that he wasn’t doing anything to hurt me. I didn’t realize the hurt I was causing him. The feeling of the person you love the most not trusting you is gut wrenching. The third day he said he couldn’t take it anymore and asked me to calm down and go back and reread everything.
Message after message my gut sank. If he had sent me those things I would have told him to shove it after the first message. We talked for a long time that night. I took the rest of the week away to just breathe. If I felt it coming on to accuse him of something, I shoved my phone in my pocket and did something to keep busy.
I didn’t realize just how much we needed the break away from each other or how badly I was treating my love.
That week of spring break saved our relationship.
