Open Letter to My First Love

Open Letter to My First Love

So while our time together was short, it was trying, it was beautiful and it was meaningful.
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Dear First Love,

You know, you taught me a lot by being a first of mine. You taught me about life, and real love, and relationships. You were the first guy to see my hair in the morning. The first person to say they loved me romantically. The first boy to give me a bouquet of flowers. The first date I’d had to prom. The first one who offered me a second family through his own. The first person besides my parents I’d go to with anything and everything. My first facebook official relationship. My first boyfriend. You were my heart, and you had it from the beginning.

You were the first guy to make me feel like shit about myself. You were the first person to say “I love you” romantically and not actually mean it. You were the first person to relate effort to fixing a car. The first one to discredit our relationship with the running of a TV show series. You were the one person I wanted to love me like I loved him. That was a first. It was all a big first.

But throughout it all, there is one first that beats them all. My first breakup. My first time standing up for myself. My first real heartbreak but also my first real victory. And while in many ways, you taught me to love and learn and how to give my heart away, you also taught me how to guard my heart enough until I find the right person to give it too. You taught me that it doesn't matter what others think of you, but of what you think of yourself. When I was with you I didn't like who I was becoming and that taught me that a guy should NEVER EVER change my view of myself.

So while our time together was short, it was trying, it was painful, and it was meaningful. I learned to love, how to fight with communication, how to put someone's needs before myself. And I started on a journey to find myself.

But the greatest thing I remember learning from you, the boy who broke my heart, is that ALL firsts, good ones and bad ones, have a lesson to teach. And now that it's just me, myself, and I, it’s time to start generating a new list of firsts. Starting with...

Me.

Sincerely yours,

The new and improved-ish Me

Cover Image Credit: Lily Cramer

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To Everyone Who Hasn't Had Sex Yet, Wait For Marriage, It's The Right Move

If you have not had sex yet, wait.

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Premarital sex is not a new concept, no matter how much people like to pretend it is. You can trace scripture and historical texts back thousands of year to see that lust and fornication have been a problem since… well, since we humans have been problems.

They tell you in sex ed that sex causes you to form a bond with someone. They throw some big chemical names at you that are apparently in your body and cause that emotional attachment to happen, then you move on (or back to) how important condoms are and why STDs are so scary.

As a middle schooler or teenager, you can't understand what it means to become permanently connected to someone as a result of a quick, physical act.

If you haven't even had your first kiss, you really can't imagine what it's like to develop such a complex and intimate connection with someone because you have yet to feel the butterflies in your stomach from a kiss. So you really don't know what it's like to have a whole different type of feeling in your stomach.

You never forget your first love. It's one of the most cliche things you consistently hear, but it's true. Ask anyone. I guarantee your parents can still spurt out their first love's name in a few seconds. And most people never forget their first time. I know all my friends can recount that often awkward and slightly terrifying moment as if it happened an hour ago. When you mix those two, especially if you are in your teens, oh boy.

You never forget that. No matter how hard you try.

Everything you hear about sex is true: it's amazing, fantastic, life-changing, etc. There's a reason people have done it as frequently as they do, for as long as they have. But every time you sleep with someone, you leave a piece of yourself with them. Every time you choose to take that final physical step with someone, you cannot go back and collect that piece of your dignity and soul that you left with someone.

So, imagine what happens when you break up with someone you've slept with. Or that you just hooked up with. You have given someone a little slice of yourself forever. And you can never get it back. And imagine what happens when you do that multiple times. You give a piece of yourself to five, 10, 15, 20 or more people. Then you meet the person that you want to spend forever with. And you no longer have that whole part of you. You've given pieces away, and you can no longer give those to the love of your life.

So, save those pieces for your future spouse.

If you have not had sex yet, wait. If you have, consider not giving more pieces of yourself away to people who are not your spouse. Sex was created to be between two spouses, nobody else. So we need to try to maintain its integrity.

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To The Boy Who Broke My Heart, Thank You

Losing you was the best thing that ever happened to me.

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I went out with my best friend last night. We went bar hopping, drank and had a good time. It was the first time I went out with her on a Saturday night in over a year.

I started a new job and work almost every day now. I'm so busy I don't know what a day off is anymore. It feels nice to not have time to think about you.

I've been going out with friends I never got a chance to see because I always canceled my plans with them to be with you. I tear up every now and then, thinking how thankful I am to still have them in my life.

I finally started getting into writing my novel, I'm on the third chapter and my grad school mentor really liked what I submitted. I even started writing poetry again. Who knew it would take you leaving me to feel inspired again.

I can finally listen to Taylor Swift's love songs again. I was getting sick of replaying the same heartbreak songs over and over and screaming along to them in the car with tears streaming down my face.

I started wearing more makeup even though you always told me I looked better natural. You used to laugh when I'd take off all my makeup and tell me I'm back to being myself. Now my favorite part of the day is putting it all on and taking it off at night.

I started opening up more at work to my coworkers because they saw me break down and be at my lowest. It feels nice to talk about other things than always having to start my conversations with "My boyfriend..."

I started going on long walks and taking better care of my skin because my self-care is so important to me now.

I haven't been depressed or anxious in a while, but if I get like that I'm strong enough to fight it all by myself.

I've been making sure to eat a lot more than I was. I lost a few pounds when you hurt me and my health wasn't doing good. But you're not worth risking my life over.

I don't get sad anymore when I see you're online, see a picture of you on Facebook, or see that you've watched my Instagram stories.

I finally took all the clothes you got me for Christmas and the blanket and donated them. I won't lie, it made me upset, but it's so liberating to not see it piled up in the corner of my room anymore.

I've been writing down goals I want to achieve and everything I have to look forward to. My future has never looked brighter.

I'm getting back into doing things I loved again. It's so nice to not have to worry about someone else for once.

I started wearing brighter colors instead of always black. You wouldn't even recognize me now.

I've been on a couple of dates too. One was at a bar that we stayed at until 1 a.m. We shared two pitchers of Narragansett. Another was at a restaurant in Boston. We ended the date making out on his floral couch at his apartment with Parks and Rec playing in the background. I didn't think about you once.

I started to forget what your face looks like. When I close my eyes I don't see you anymore.

I started to forget what your laugh sounds like. It's been replaced by someone else.

I started to forget what your touch feels like. Because I can still feel someone else's fingers tracing down my face all the way to my chin and how our noses touched when we stopped kissing.

I started walking with my head held high. I always felt insecure around you.

I've gotten used to sleeping in my own bed, it's calming not hearing someone complain about me taking up too much room. How do you sleep at night?

I've gotten used to waking up at a reasonable time. You made me a morning person and I'm thankful to start my days early now and appreciate what life has to offer.

I've been told by people how strong and happy I look and I honestly can't help but smile. You may have broken me then but I'm better than ever now.

This has all happened to me in a month. Because it was over a month ago when you broke up with me completely out of blue. Where you took my heart, smashed it, picked up the pieces, shook them up and threw them into every corner of the world. For a good week, I questioned whether or not I could continue on in life. Because for 15 months you were my life.

You consumed my life and schedule to a point where I felt anxious that I couldn't see you for a day. I told myself if I could go a full week without you it would get easier. Now it's been a month and I can't believe I used to cry in your bed when you left to go to work over not being able to see you that same day.

You told me I couldn't be the only person I would love for the rest of my life. I'm so glad I'm finally coming to terms with that. Because by the end of our relationship I only felt the need to agree with you when you said you loved me. I started using those words without the meaning in the back of my mind.

I know I'll get to the point where I'll be able to look back at all our memories together and pictures and smile. But for now, I have them hidden away on my phone. I'm not ready yet and it's okay.

I don't think I'll ever forget you. You were my first love and heartbreak all in one. But for now, I don't want to think about you.

So boy who broke my heart, I just want to say this; thank you for breaking my heart. Because losing you was the best thing that ever happened to me.

Now if you'll excuse me, there's someone waiting for me to respond back to their text.


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