When my little sister showed me Shane Dawson’s conspiracy theory videos, I initially shrugged them off as silly and bizarre. However, since reading about people who genuinely believe in the FEMA camp conspiracy, I’ve begun to grow more intrigued in theories and how they start. After recently returning to school, I grew inspired and began to ask around in the hopes of uncovering some conspiracies floating about the Emory bubble. Little did I know what I was to find.

Just as my fellow conspiracy theorist Dawson does, however, I must provide the following disclaimer: these statements are simply theories. They have not necessarily been proven true, but they also cannot be denied. You choose to believe at your discretion.

1. The emoryumeme Instagram page is actually run by fed up faculty members

They’ve dragged too many people from too many different walks of Emory life to be just simple students. The people that run the Instagram know and see things, like the professors that have sat overhearing our conversations for years and need a place to vent. Now, they make us laugh while also side-eyeing everyone around, unsure if we're going to be dragged next.

2. All of the coffee in the DUC is actually decaf

Has anyone ever walked away from a DUC breakfast feeling revived and ready to face the day? I feel more alive after walking out of the humidity and into an air conditioned building than I do from the DUC coffee…. Just saying.

3. All of the water on campus is actually DUC coffee

The DUC coffee never fails to intrigue students, especially not when their personal hygiene is concerned. While for most, the water runs brown temporarily after long periods of unuse, some have experienced longer periods of tinted water. Further, a comparison between said water and the coffee from the DUC should give every reader some pause.

4.The Oxford Farm grows products that promote leadership qualities

This one is vague with good reason: I’m not saying the students necessarily are growing and consuming substances to enhance their peppiness and willingness to lead, but I’m also not saying that spaghetti squash is just produce.

5. Dooley’s pronouns are actually they/them/theirs, but no one has cared to ask

As a member of the Emory community, I know how important it is to promote inclusivity and awareness amongst our peers, and one way to do that is to share your pronouns. But what about Emory’s most famous member?

Atlanta Dooley’s gender changes based on the current president’s gender, and because the Oxford Dooley has never had a gender, they’ve also never been asked if that’s how they identify. While certainly a hard theory to hear, it might be the time we heard from both Dooleys’ chosen bodyguards on what they have to say.

6. The B-School Retreat involves a brainwashing session

It’s hard to believe that all the B-School kids learn how to network so well and present so confidently and naturally in a classroom setting. It’s not crazy to think that maybe they had some help unlocking their inner boardroom beast. Also how else would they learn how to properly say Goizueta?

7. Dobbs is actually a CDC Petri dish and the mold is actually CDC test samples

This is one of, if not the boldest theory I've encountered:

Sorry to break it to the freshmen living there, but you don’t get to walk away from your first year at Emory without running into a mold problem or four. And when the CDC was started after WWII, what better place to discretely test out new (and subtle) disease warfare than a building in the center of a college campus, thus exposing it to the largest test pool? I don’t know if this is true, but it would answer the question: Why don’t we just tear old Dobbs down already?